Are You A People Pleaser? Why You Do It (& How To Stop)

As a Certified Hypnotherapist specializing in embodiment, trauma, PTSD, and immune disorders, one of the most common threads I see amongst clients is people-pleasing. 

While the phrase “people-pleasing ” doesn’t necessarily sound like a bad thing—wanting to make people happy, and caring about other people’s experiences—it can have negative consequences for the individual. When most of us think about people-pleasing, we think of someone who wants to be liked or someone who has a hard time saying “no’, but the truth is, there is often a deep sadness and sense of disconnection that motivates the behavior.

People pleasing starts in development

As children we aim to please. Why? Because we are solely dependent on our caretakers for survival for much longer than any other animal species on the planet. We are born relatively helpless and require years of nurturing and guidance to acquire the skills needed to live independently. We rely on our caregivers for food, protection, guidance, and support as we grow and develop both physically and mentally.

In a sense, we have to view our parents as perfect or all-knowing—firstly because we have zero context, and secondly because that process of idealization and attachment is what affords us the belief of survival. 

We are raised to please, constantly hearing things like, “Be a good girl, your father had a long day and doesn’t need anything else on his plate.” Or “Don’t draw too much attention to yourself or other people won’t like you.” It seems like most of us have been raised to be good for everyone else, but ourselves. 

We are taught to fear rejection at all costs. How could we not spend our lives outsourcing our value?

People pleasing is motivated by guilt and shame 

There is a deep fear of rejection in relation to disappointing others. This need to earn our value is constantly reinforced by appreciation, validation, and compliments from external sources: “You are so easy to be around!”, “You are always so helpful,” or “What would I do without you?”

These comments become the fuel that drives us, and our entire sense of self becomes reliant on the verbal pay-off. We create a sense of safety and belonging for ourselves by being purposeful to others. Who are we if we aren’t doing or giving? 

To answer this question, unfortunately, there is often a sense of emptiness, a hole that we are used to filling through action. People-pleasers don’t know how to take up space without having a job to do because our entire sense of self is based on how we make other people feel. 

If we add trauma and abuse into the conversation, this gets magnified on a whole other level where we will literally take responsibility for our parent's reactions, behaviors, and abuse in order to mold ourselves into a “better” version of ourselves to maintain that sense of safety and belonging. 

We look for any opportunity to do more or be more of what everyone else needs, which in some cases may lead us to being completely invisible and without personal needs or desires.

The shadow of pleasing

Before we understand the deep shame that fuels our need to please, it's important to understand that being a people-pleaser isn’t actually who we are—but rather, it is a persona, a means of connection. 

If our strategy to connect to others is to be less of ourselves a huge part of our “self” has to be pushed into our shadow. 

If we grew up in an environment where there was a lack of boundaries and conditional love, we learned to make the assumption that who we are at face value is not enough. We may have had parents who paid little attention to our emotional needs and over-prioritized achievement, or made us feel responsible for their feelings, frustrations, or inconveniences. As a result we developed hyper-vigilance to get ahead of any potential future disasters and constantly seek opportunities to prove our value. Love became something that had to be earned. 

This sentiment alone adds to our incapacity to do or be anything for ourselves. If we are inherently unworthy and have to prove or earn our worth to belong, how could we take any time or focus on prioritizing ourselves? We are hollow.

For me, personally, I modeled so much of my behavior after my mother and grandmother. Growing up I thought they were perfect. They did everything for everyone and never made things about themselves. I chose to mimic the behaviors of the two people I felt safest with, not knowing until later in life how unappreciated, taken advantage of, and unhappy they both felt on a deep level. Looking back, so much of my understanding of avoidance came from watching them overlook their own needs to continue their plight of being everything for everyone else.

The consequences of people pleasing

Needless to say, if we are putting all of our energy and focus on the world around us there is little space left for our own needs. So how do people pleasers create change for themselves? They have to hit a wall. If people-pleasing is ruled by guilt and shame we have to cultivate enough guilt and shame toward ourselves to spring into action. 

Being with ourselves has to become such a point of contention and discomfort that there is no option but to change. In order to grow this shame we will numb, procrastinate, or use negative self talk to create the fuel for change. This can show up as overlooking the needs of our body until we feel unwell, overlooking our health until a doctor gives us an ultimatum, or realizing that not taking care of ourselves will ultimately lead to disappointing everyone around us. How could we possibly prioritize ourselves if we learned that our value comes from taking care of everyone else first?

When we finally hit the point of, what I like to call, “reactive change” we tend to feel resentful of our circumstances, our environment, and everyone that we have shown up for. We use this anger as fuel to push ourselves out of the hole. 

I’ve seen this extreme shift consistently with clients over the past several years where they become overly-boundaried, selfish, and resentful when forced to look at the consequences attached to their people pleasing behaviors. I call this phase “over-swinging”. They will lead with a brash self-centeredness to almost prove a point to everyone who has taken from them without taking accountability for their part in the dynamic. 

This is the phase that gives personal growth and self work, in general, a bad rap. For so many people this is the only way for them to even consider change. They have to get fed up enough to do something about it. This is the point where all of those repressed shadow aspects come to the surface. This can show up as being overly-confident, rigid, or insensitive to everyone else’s needs. If you feel this or notice this you are probably over-swinging.

Confronting yourself

In the process of change it is important to lead with patience and compassion for yourself and others. 

People pleasing isn’t a one way road, it takes two people to fulfill the dynamic. I liken it to having an invisible contract with your friends. Unbeknownst to them you are providing love, care, and acts of service with the understanding that you are going to receive some kind of validation or gratitude in return. As you work on these behaviors it is important to remember that you aren’t the only person in this dynamic, and that true friends will support and embrace this change. 

You also have to be aware in this part of the process that just because it hasn’t been about you up until this point, doesn’t make it all about you now with zero space for anyone else’s feelings.

The part of you that learned they had to earn their value is only one part of you. Unfortunately, that part became the CEO of your internal company and calls all of the shots. In moments when the initial instinct is to shrink, blindly support, or over-extend yourself it is important for you to create space by delaying gratification. (Gratification being, doing the thing that feels most natural or obvious to you.) 

Instead try to close your eyes and calm yourself with a few deep breaths, then ask yourself, “If I didn’t have anything to prove how would I show up right now?” Breaking people-pleasing patterning isn’t about saving all of your energy for yourself. It is about creating space to learn what kind of giving feels genuinely aligned with you so that you can actively choose to give because you want to, not because it means anything about how you are perceived by others.

Try this instead:

Breaking free from people-pleasing behaviors requires a fundamental shift in mindset and behavior. Here are some strategies to help you reclaim your autonomy and live a more authentic life.

1. Establishing boundaries 

Learning to set clear boundaries and prioritize your own needs is essential in breaking free from people-pleasing. Understand that it's okay to say no and prioritize your own well-being. A healthy boundary should benefit both parties on some level. While so much of our understanding around boundaries has to do with our dynamic with others, we have to be aware of the personal boundaries we need to implement for ourselves around time, expectation, and rest.

2. Questions to ask yourself:

3. Honest communication

Practice honest and assertive communication with others, expressing your needs and emotions without fear of judgment or conflict. Authenticity fosters genuine connections and paves the way for healthier relationships. No-one can read your mind. Your biggest priority is to show up as who we truly are and to teach the people around you how to love and care for you. To move through nervousness you can close your eyes and use mental rehearsal to imagine yourself living these changes. Repetition is key when it comes to change.

4. Self-accountability

Take responsibility for your actions and choices, recognizing that your worth is not dependent on others' approval. Cultivate self-compassion and self-respect by keeping promises to yourself and following through with your commitments to your personal wants and needs. Be gentle with yourself as you are stepping into this new way of being. Verbally reward yourself for any progress. This is your time to learn how to fill your own glass.

The takeaway

People pleasing may not seem like a damaging pattern—but ultimately, it can put a lot of pressure and strain on relationships, leading to resentment and anger. The habit is rooted learned behavior from childhood, but can be overcome with introspection and holding yourself accountable. Turning to resources—like professional help, and classes like through my program The Seed Level—can help you understand why you aim to please, why it may hurt you in the long run, and how you can ultimately grow from the pattern.