Help — My Partner’s Clutter is Driving Me Crazy!

I love my husband. But I don’t always love his stuff. (And he definitely doesn’t love my nagging about his stuff.)

It’s a common issue for couples. In fact, some surveys have found that nearly half of all couples argue about clutter. A few even have the argument every day.

If you’re in this situation, decluttering by itself isn’t going to add to your peace. In fact, it might create more tension in your household. It’s important to find ways to come together in this area.

Why Clutter is an Issue

One reason there’s so much friction about this topic is that, for many of us, possessions are part of our identity. My husband’s tee shirt may look to me like it’s ready to become a dust rag, but to him it might be a reminder of the time he saw his favorite band perform. My attempt to downgrade it might feel like a personal attack. It’s not so much about the physical item as it is about the emotion that’s attached to it.

How can this be resolved? What do you do when one partner finds security and connection with her belongings, and the other partner feels stress when surrounded by too much?

I’m not perfect in this regard – not at all. I’ve participated in my share of arguments. I’ve nagged. I’ve called other people’s belongings “junk” and “crap.” None of that improved the situation. Here are some ideas I have, either hard-won through experience or gleaned through research and asking questions. See if any seem helpful to you.

8 Ways to Make Peace When You Disagree About Clutter

1. Designate clutter/no-clutter zones.

Neither of you is going to change overnight, so agree on which spaces will be clutter-free and which will be anything goes. For example, your bedroom might be a peaceful, uncluttered area, with agreements that clothes will be put away or into the laundry hamper, piles are not allowed on the dresser or bedside tables, and work stays out. On the other hand, you say nothing about the state of her computer desk.

2. Establish physical boundaries.

Your partner may jam-pack his side of the closet, but he doesn’t encroach on your minimalist side. Or maybe one of you collects teacups, but you agree that they have to fit on one shelf.

3. Choose one landing zone.

One of you may tend to scatter receipts, mail, keys, phone, wallet, jacket, and more as she comes in from work. The other may prefer less visual noise. So create just one spot (probably at the entry point you use most) with a tray and wall hooks for capturing these items. Agree that everything lands there in an orderly fashion.

Meanwhile, once you’ve cleared off other spaces where these things used to collect (perhaps the kitchen counter, dining table, or bedside table), put one useful or beautiful object there to remind you that it’s no longer a dumping zone.

4. Showcase a few treasures.

Understand the emotions that make it difficult for your partner to give up stuff. Maybe it was Grandma’s, or it represents a past accomplishment. Letting go can seem like a betrayal.

Instead of keeping 15 boxes of Great Aunt Edith’s stuff in the garage or basement, choose one special item to display and remember her. Maybe she was a great cook, and you’ll display her favorite serving platter in the dining room. Or maybe she taught you to crochet, and you’ll place one of her lap blankets on the couch, ready for use. Be sure to listen to your partner’s stories, because sometimes sharing is what’s most important.

5. Do the heavy lifting.

Maybe your partner would like to pare down, but feels overwhelmed. You can be the one to go through everything. Let your partner sit there and say “yes” or “no” as you hold up one thing at a time. Then bag up the discards for sale, donation, or recycle/trash, and get them out of the house as soon as possible.

Be sure to congratulate yourselves on your success. No matter how much or how little you removed, you’ve achieved a leaner, cleaner home.

6. Try labels.

Maybe your partner’s tools are meticulously organized on a peg board, but he puts the groceries in random spots. Her scrapbooking supplies might be carefully stored in a compartmentalized bin, but she leaves grooming tools and potions all over the bathroom counter.

Obviously, each of these people possesses organizational skills. They’re simply not applied in every circumstance. Try labels – in the pantry, the dish cupboard, the bathroom cabinet, the linen closet – and see if that sometimes-organized person becomes a bit more methodical.

7. Agree to a “tidy time.”

One partner only wants to neaten things weekly, or when they’ve become a real mess. The other can’t tolerate mess at all. Try planning a five-minute period for you to tidy together every day – perhaps right after dinner or before bed. Consider it a bonding time. Put on music if you like, but be sure to set a timer so the session is finite – and short.

8. Don’t get stuck.

Everyone has tidying or organizing tasks they enjoy less than others, so why not swap with other family members so no one always has to do a chore they hate? I don’t like to empty the dishwasher, but my husband doesn’t mind, and he’s really fast at it too. He dislikes dealing with the mail, so I’m usually the one who goes through it and recycles, shreds, files, notes on the calendar, or pays as needed. Working together, we keep our home tidy and clutter-free.

Focus on the love.

I can tell you from experience that you shouldn’t debate this subject when you’re tired and cranky! Sit down over coffee or take a walk to the park to discuss it. It’s important to remember that you’re on the same team and you want to find ways to come together.

Focus on the love, and you’ll be able to figure out the stuff.

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About the Author: Karen Trefzger is a writer, singer, teacher, wife, mother, and grandmother who has been choosing a simpler life for over 20 years. She is the author of several books about minimalism, and blogs at Maximum Gratitude Minimal Stuff.