How to Avoid Passing Your Fears on to Your Children

As parents, we all want our kids to have better lives than our own. This is especially true when it comes to making sure our kids avoid some of our anxieties, whether it’s a fear of flying, driving, heights, or anxieties surrounding money or socializing.

“It’s not easy because we all have something that we are afraid of,” said Susan Newman, a psychologist, parenting expert and author of Parenting An Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only.

Our children notice more than we realize 

It’s easy to think we can avoid passing on our fears simply by hiding them from our children. However, as Newman points out, children notice more than we realize. “Kids are way more attuned to parents than parents like to believe,” Newman said. “That starts quite early.”

Our children depend on us for all of their physical and emotional needs, which means they are hard-wired to pick up on our words, actions, and body language, whether it’s noticing the way we always avoid dogs, or the way we tense up while driving, or the hushed conversations about money.

“They have their antennae up, attuned to how their parents are acting and reacting,” Newman said. “If we think we’re camouflaging our anxiety, it’s highly unlikely.”

How we can model healthy coping strategies 

Kids are going to notice our fears. Becoming completely fearless usually isn’t an option—and may not be the best strategy, given that some amount of fear is normal and healthy—so the best way to help your kids avoid your fears is by acknowledging them and modeling healthy coping strategies.

Some of Newman’s suggestions include actively working on your own fears, finding other adults who can help your children with activities you fear, and reading books to your kids about conquering your fears.

Sometimes, it also helps to be honest with your kids. “Often you can explain to your child what you missed,” Newman said. For example, if you are afraid of swimming, you can explain your regret at not taking swimming lessons during your childhood, and all of the potential activities you missed out on as a result.

Avoid saying “be careful”

Newman also recommends avoiding telling your child to be careful, as that tends to be a statement that evokes fear or caution. Instead, she recommends using specific language and focusing on problem-solving. For example, instead of telling your child to be careful about climbing a tree, you can ask them if they’ve thought about how they are going to climb it.

Talking this through with your child can help them think through how they might climb the tree, what the potential risks are, and if it’s something they think they can do successfully.

“You’re giving the child the tools they need to assess situations they may be in without you,” Newman said.