Six Ways to Keep the Spark Alive

Hello, it’s your late-in-life lesbian friend (trademark pending) checking in! I have been in a relationship with my lovely girlfriend, Breyon, for 2.5 years, which in lesbian years is 14 minutes – long-term relationships is the official community calling card.

A bit about our backstory: We met on Hinge at the end of 2021. I invited her to my apartment for a reading date and homemade hot chocolate. In hindsight, it sounds creepy, because who invites someone to their apartment on the first date!? That’s how naive I was, but the rest is history. Bre makes me feel seen and cared for, a role I usually play with no reciprocation. We laugh like best friends having a sleepover, giggling in the dark, refusing to fall asleep before the other one. My wildest dreams have become her own, and we endlessly root for each other. We moved in together last July (feel free to google the term “U-Haul lesbian”).

Because I’ve never been in a long-term relationship before — only dabbling in a few short relationships with women, plus one chaste kiss with a boy when I was 24 — fear still takes hold when I think about our future. What if it falls apart? What if we stop recognizing each other? What if, what if, what if echoes in my head until I snap back to the present. All we have is each other, right now, so we will work on our relationship as long as we’re in it. Should things end, it won’t be because we ever stopped trying.

The thing I love about our relationship is we truly make a point to have fun with each other. In the grand scheme of things I feel like I know nothing, but I enjoy sharing as I learn and can’t wait to hear what you all do with your partners (and friends!) to keep the spark going…

1. Running Errands
When Bre and I first met, I had undiagnosed sleep apnea and felt delirious. I’d fall asleep mid-conversation because I barely slept at night. She would make up errands more than an hour away, so I could nap in the car. It makes me teary thinking about that incredibly sweet gesture. We still enjoy driving to the suburbs and finding the nicest TJ Maxx around. I feel like relationships are 80% routine things, so spending time with her even doing simple errands always connects us. After we come home, we sit in the car and check in with each other. I never take these moments for granted.

2. Evening Walks
We live in Chicago’s Lincoln Square/Ravenswood neighborhood, which feels like a cross between Sesame Street and Stars Hollow. There’s a large park across the street, and restaurants within walking distance, and it’s filled with Midwestern charm. On nice nights, we’ll walk to the coolest lesbian bar around called Nobody’s Darling. It’s a Black-owned, BIPOC-friendly place. We’ll walk there, have two drinks, and waltz home 86 minutes later with warm faces, cuddling in bed. It’s perfect!

3. Game Shows
Listen, we live in a third-floor walk up that has given us toned calves and glutes. That also means a lot of time, once we’re in the house, we’re House People. We’re not leaving unless something’s on fire. Usually we’re staring at our three cats (Charlie Brown, Lucy, and Wylie) asking ourselves how we live with these cartoon characters, and we’ve recently also gotten into game shows. Have you watched Claim to Fame? It’s relatives of celebrities hiding their identity until everyone is eliminated save one. It’s incredibly wholesome, especially when President Jimmy Carter’s grandson was revealed last season and he called him “Poppy.” We also watch Celebrity Jeopardy/Jeopardy Masters and yell out the answers. We’re cringey and cute, and I’m obsessed with us.

4. Two-Person Book Club
Bre and I don’t have the same taste in books — she loves a good murder mystery, you know, the cousin was actually the father who was actually the priest and he definitely did it? Whereas I love a good magical fantasy about love surviving centuries. We still try to find a book to read together, and we’re currently working through Emily Nagoski’s Come Together. It’s thought provoking and provides lots of subjects to discuss with each other.

5. Card Games
Date nights are never boring thanks to Skin Deep cards. They have different versions for friends, long-term relationships, and date nights. I love being surprised by her answers, and love hearing how they change over time. It’s thrilling to be introduced to your partner over and over again, isn’t it? We also keep Monopoly Deal on us at all times. It’s a quick card version of Monopoly that can be won within 10 minutes. It involves all the fun of Monopoly without dedicating 10-15 years of your life.

6. Concerts
I would think every couple loves to travel, because who doesn’t? Yes, please, let me rot on the beach in Cancun for several days! Bre and I have especially found joy in concerts as a form of travel. Recently, we traveled to Milwaukee’s Summerfest to see Brittany Howard, and we have tickets for Kaytranada next month. Last year, we saw Beyoncé at the Superdome in New Orleans, and it felt like being blessed by the Pope.

My question to you is, um, am I doing this right? Like am I doing okay in this relationship?! I’m kidding. But! I would love to know what you and your partners do to keep your relationship fun, whether it’s sending memes or going camping. I love the community here and can’t wait to see you in the comments.

Abby Mallett is a freelance writer and editor at Joy The Baker. She has also written for Cup of Jo about traveling and books. Follow Abby on Instagram, if you’d like.

P.S. “What nine movies and shows with gay characters meant to me,” and “how I travel as a fat queer Black woman.”

(Top photo by Adrian Rodd/Stocksy.)