10 Anti-Valentine’s Day Gifts and Activities If You DGAF About Romance

The Bronx Zoo, famous for its exotic animals and for once displaying a man in cage, is offering theperfect anti-Valentine present this year: You can name a roach after your soulmate and/or fuck-buddy. “Roaches are forever” the zoo proclaims on its website, and they’re cheap too. For only 15 bucks, you can name a Madagascar hissing cockroach whatever you like, and receive a handsome, frame-able certificate to prove to the world you are in love. Or go big and schedule some one-on-one time with your dream-bug, either in person or virtually.

If you and your lover are filled with unquenchable anger and the urge to destroy, don’t punch more holes in the drywall; plan a trip to a rage room instead. These businesses are dotted all over the country (obviously New York City has a ton), and exist so you can (relatively) safely smash up crockery and scream while you do it. Some even let you bring your own smashables. The best part is, you don’t have to clean up afterwards.

I guess some sickos put on smooth jazz and scatter rose petals on the bed for Valentine’s Day night, but you’ll make a more lasting impression with handcuffs and floggers. Don’t buy the cheap stuff from the local “adult” store or shop at Victoria’s Secret though; show how much you care by choosing high-end kink accoutrement for dedicated perverts from a serious suppliers like JT’s Stockroom.

Danish misanthrope Lars Von Trier’s filmography includes some of the bleakest movies ever made, so queue up Anti-Christ, Melancholia, and Nymphomaniac for a triple feature of feel-bad cinema you’ll never forget, no matter how hard you try.

There is no rule that says you have to celebrate Valentine’s Day on Feb. 14. If you wait a day, everything won’t be crowded with “couples” who just met on Tinder pretending they have feelings for each other because the calendar tells them they should. February 15 is also the best day of the year to buy Valentine’s candy. Nothing says “fuck Valentine’s Day” like digging into candy you bought for 75% off.

I’m not suggesting going on a date to the Department of Motor Vehicles. I’m saying take the paperwork that’s been sitting on your significant other’s desk for months, fill everything out, and take it down to the DMV for them. Surprising your lover on Feb. 14 with new registration tags is the most romantic gesture I can think of, and it is what everyone actually wants more than candy or flowers.

If you’re one of those couples with the means and motivation to book an exotic weekend trip for Valentine’s day, consider the island of Molokai. There are few tourist amenities on this tiny Hawaiian island, but there is a meticulously preserved leper colony. Leprosy is easily curable with antibiotics now, so you won’t be infected, but you will learn about a dark and fascinating chapter in American history and see what Hawaii would look like if it wasn’t crapped up with tourists. If you’re lucky, you might meet one of the original residents, some of whom still live on island and occasionally come around to talk to tour groups.

There are any number of novelty coffee mugs out there with rude sayings on them, but if you want something extra—for the classy asshole or cuntface who won your heart—consider the bespoke ceramics of Outlandish Creations. These delicate porcelain, bone china, and earthenware vessels are handmade in the U.K. and come festooned with dainty flowers and slogans like “Anal Maniac,” “Mother Fucker,” or “Cum Dumpster.” Lady Gaga’s reads “Whore,” but you can put whatever you’d like on yours.

If you’ve ever wondered exactly what happens to the things you flush down the toilet, there’s an easy way to find out: Book a tour of your local sewage or waste treatment plant. Most give gratis tours to interested people, and I’m sure your local sewer rats will be excited that anyone wants to look at the fascinating, hidden world in which they live, not to mention amused that you’d choose Valentine’s Day to do it.

People in doomed relationships often put off the inevitable because they don’t want to rip off the band-aid right before Valentine’s Day, but they’re thinking backwards. This is the perfect time to assess your relationship with steely-eyed realism, and, if you realize it’s not working, end it. Destroying a toxic relationship is ultimately the best gift you can give both yourself and your soon-to-be ex.