6 Conversations Every Couple Needs To Have, From A Marriage Therapist

1.

The “Are we or aren’t we?” conversation

While it’s not necessary to apply labels to the relationship, it is helpful to know if you’re on the same page. Are you dating casually, exclusively, or looking to keep things open, ethically non-monogamous? Essentially, it’s addressing the type of commitment you are seeking. While it’s often difficult to determine in the early stages as you’re getting to know one another, as things develop, you get a better sense of the type of relationship you want with this person. 

And remember, you don’t have to settle for breadcrumbs: If you want a committed relationship and the person you’re with just wants to keep it casual, you’re not in alignment. While it may be painful to detach and move on, you’re not remaining in a state of perpetual anxiety and suffering, holding on to the hope that one day they might change their mind and want something more.

2.

The “This is how I feel and what I need” conversation

Stop expecting others to read your mind or just “know” what you’re thinking or feeling. Set the relationship up for success by having open and ongoing conversations about individual and relational needs. If you find that some of the needs are at odds with each other, for example differences in terms of need for emotional closeness and intimacy, discuss. Where can you both be flexible, and what needs to be a hard “NO”?

As a reminder, you are not “needy” for discussing these things openly–you are seeking to meet your unmet needs.

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3.

The “How are we paying for this?” conversation

Finances make most people uncomfortable, which is why we often tiptoe around the subject. You will have to rip the bandaid off on this one and get on the same page, as a lack of clear communication around money can bring about many issues for couples.

Discuss how expenses will be split on dates, trips, etc. Bring up budgets, debt, and saving goals. Don’t assume, unless it’s been talked about and agreed upon. Be clear on how you want to spend your money, both individually and within the relationship.

4.

The “White picket fence” conversation

We all have a narrative when it comes to the life we envisioned for ourselves. It usually has a look, a feel, a taste to it. For some, it’s the white picket fence: a large and cozy home, a traditional marriage, the standard 2.5 kids, and a peaceful, suburban lifestyle. Others would never be caught dead in a mini-van, and marriage and kids just isn’t in the cards.

These big overarching themes and stories are at the core of our identity. If these stories and values aren’t in alignment, the relationship is in a constant state of friction. Get curious about where you and your partner agree or differ in terms of long-term plans, marriage, kids, career. Are you looking for a traditional lifestyle or non-conventional? Consider where you are willing to accommodate and what are non-negotiables.

5.

The “Let’s talk about sex, baby” conversation

It’s not a matter of how often you’re having sex but rather the type of sex you want to be having. It’s more about how you like to be touched, what turns you on, and the things you’re curious about or looking to explore. At the core, how can you create connection through physical intimacy?

And while we may not want to make our partner’s feel “bad” about what isn’t working in the bedroom, faking it and going along for the sake of not hurting their ego is actually hurting the relationship. It’s also important to discuss if there is a (completely normal) mismatch in terms of arousal and desire. Remove the word “should” and focus on what works for you and your partner.

6.

The “Beyond the love bubble” conversation

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1.

Release the fear of division

Fear is often the main reason why we don’t engage in many of these conversations. We fear that if we bring things up, there’s a possibility that the differing viewpoints will create division and lead to the end of the relationship.

The reality is the real end begins the moment we start avoiding and sweeping these hard conversations under the rug. We need to acknowledge the importance of these instead of hiding from them. 

It starts by changing our mindset: “This will build intimacy in the relationship, or it will let us know that we’re not on the same page and are just prolonging the inevitable. Either way, it’s a win, and we get the information we need.”

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2.

Organize your thoughts beforehand

3.

Don’t wait for the perfect time 

We need to stop thinking of the “perfect time” to have the conversation. Let’s be honest: there won’t be. We just need to make sure that we have the best conditions for the message to be well received. This means that bringing it up at the last minute, without allowing for proper time to discuss, or right before bed when everyone is exhausted or when the other person is emotionally overwhelmed won’t be the best time.

Again, it doesn’t need to be perfect–just good enough.

Start by communicating the need for the conversation. Preface it and frame it in terms of usefulness and potential growth of the relationship. Set up a time and place for it.

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4.

Get comfortable with the discomfort 

Remember that what matters is the process, not the end outcome. The boldness to stand up and create the type of relationship you want.

We often hear the phrase “Relationships take work,” but I think that this idea of “work” often leaves a bad taste in the mouth. I like this one better: “Good relationships require intentionality; they don’t just happen.” Having hard and uncomfortable conversations is part of this intentionality.

Give yourself grace as you navigate the complexities of these dialogues. You don’t have to bring them up all at once, but if you ignore them for too long, know that they will come up, in one way or another.