Are You A Chronic People-Pleaser? How To Stop (For Good), From A Therapist

October 4, 2022 — 11:02 AM

If you’ve spent time on the internet lately, you’ve probably heard of the term “people-pleasing.” It’s become particularly popular in the self-help social media universe. These days, everyone’s got a people-pleaser syndrome (not an actual diagnosis) that needs fixing.

However, instead of taking the temporary, fix-it, band-aid approach, it can be much more beneficial to take a kinder and more sustainable route. By taking a closer look at what it is, where it stems from, and how it looks in action, we can start to work through the techniques and tools available to us so we can start taking our power back and living life on our own terms. Let’s dig in.

While we often try to label ourselves and others as “people-pleasers,” a better way to look at this concept is through the lens of a set of behaviors. These behaviors have a tendency to cluster, but at core, they involve frequently over-prioritizing everyone else’s needs and wants, above our own, so that we can be liked and accepted.

People-pleasing behaviors take on the shape of self-neglect and disregard for ourselves in order to please, cater, and accommodate others. In turn, we feel a sense of approval and are soothed by the positive attention we receive. Unfortunately, it often comes at the expense of our own preferences, wants, needs, and overall well-being. In fact, it frequently leaves us feeling downright resentful and like a doormat.

The truth of it all is that we are all people-pleasers to some extent. It’s in our human nature to want to be liked and belong. In fact, it’s an evolutionary adaptive mechanism. If we think back to prehistoric times, our ancestors were part of tribes. There was safety in these communities. Survival was dependent on co-existing in harmony and not being outcast. There were consequences to going against the grain. Being shunned and isolated could actually result in having to fend for yourself and being picked off by a saber-toothed tiger. It made sense: play nice to stay alive.

And it still makes sense, especially when we consider that people-pleasers were once parent-pleasers (and might still be). When we look at where these tendencies and behaviors originated, more than likely we can trace them back to childhood. The overwhelming need to please often develops as a coping mechanism for connecting with parental figures that may only provide love under certain conditions. This is often the case with an authoritarian parenting style, which prioritizes obedience, discipline, and where mistakes are not tolerated and heavily punished. The child learns that in order to avoid punishment and receive some sort of love or care, they must be perfect, follow the rules to a tee, and ultimately do everything in their power to please the caregiver. This behavior, just like in prehistoric times, follows the same logic: do what works, and play nice to get your needs met.

Unfortunately, what once worked and allowed us to stay afloat in our childhood doesn’t always translate as helpful adult-ing behaviors. This is especially the case when the behaviors are causing a strain in our day-to-day life and impacting our quality of life.

You push past your boundaries and limits, overextending and catering to everyone’s needs except your own. You’d rather disappoint yourself and go against what you want than disappoint others.  You shift your plans and schedules to accommodate and make those around you comfortable, without considering what works best for you. You emotionally suppress and have difficulty expressing when you’ve been hurt by other people’s actions. It feels easy to self-abandon and disregard yourself; it’s second nature. You carry resentment against yourself for not being able to speak up and stand up for yourself. You often feel inauthentic, as if you’re not living the life you want, on your terms. Your priority is making sure that others like you and approve of what you’re doing. You listen to the external “shoulds” instead of the internal wants. You seek and crave external validation to regulate your anxiety or feelings of inadequacy. You value everyone else’s stance and expertise over your own inner wisdom.

“If I am asked to do something I don’t have the capacity to do, then I will respect myself and politely decline.” “If I notice that I am neglecting my needs, then I will voice my preferences.”

Shifting out of deeply entrenched people-pleasing patterns isn’t easy, especially when it’s become a part of our identity. We might feel lost without those familiar patterns. And yet, we know it’s not working when it creates a strain on our mental well-being and relationships.

As you’re learning how to stop people-pleasing, remember to have patience with yourself throughout the process. It won't be easy. And, it’s a good thing we can do hard things.

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