How To Be Less Attached To Someone, From Therapists

To detach from someone means becoming less attached to their behavior and feelings, reevaluating your perception of your connection to them, and adjusting the level of emotional investment you have with them to a place where it feels manageable.

“Emotionally detaching from someone involves taking a step back from your relationship,” licensed psychologist Lauren Napolitano, Psy.D., tells mbg. “Perhaps this person (a friend or family member) was once a treasured member of your inner circle, but you’ve learned that the relationship is no longer healthy for you. By beginning to see this person differently, it allows you to detach–that is, to put less weight in that person’s behavior towards you.”

According to licensed clinical social worker Noelle McWard, LCSW, being detached means choosing not to engage with that person’s behavior and no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally pulled into reacting to it. 

“Detachment is a re-centering of your attention and energy on yourself, not the other person,” she tells mbg. “When you place your energy and focus back on yourself, rather than on trying to control the other person’s behaviors and attitudes, you are in a better position to make better decisions about how it is best for you to engage in the relationship.”

She notes learning to detach takes conscious intention and practice, which is possible, although it’s a difficult skill to master because humans are wired for attachment. That said, she adds, “There is a saying to ‘detach with love.’ This means that I can love you from afar or in close proximity, but [I] won’t engage with the parts that are hurtful to me.” 

Before choosing emotional detachment, understanding emotional attachment–and how it differs from emotional detachment–may be useful.

McWard defines emotional attachment as the goal for all human relationships. It’s a feeling of closeness and connection in relationship with others. When you’re in a happy and secure attachment, you feel safe in the relationship.

On the other hand, she says unhealthy attachment can manifest in the form of anxious attachment (feelings of insecurity triggered by the other person’s needs and wants, marked by intense fears of abandonment or betrayal) or avoidant attachment (feelings of overwhelm by the other person’s needs and wants, marked with a desire to withdraw from the connection).

As a counter, detachment is about working with the relationship and accepting it for what it is, instead of working on the relationship and hoping for change.

You can sense it’s time to detach from someone when, instead of feeling emotionally regulated around them, you now feel anxious, emotionally drained, and exhausted – all signs you need to take care of your mental health. After you’ve expressed their behavior or attitudes have negatively affected you and there’s been little to no change, then your only option is to focus on taking care of your well-being within the context of that relationship. This happens by choosing to consciously detach from the person. 

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While you’re untangling the parts of you that could be affected from the relationship, know that detachment doesn’t have to be done in anger, resentment, hostility, or even involve the other person – especially if past communications haven’t addressed your concerns. 

Napolitano notes emotional detachment has similar, nuanced roots to the so-called “quiet quitting” phenomenon. “In quiet quitting, you are not alerting your boss that you are doing less work, but you [are stepping] back from the stress and pace of the job. It is very powerful to change your approach to a job or a relationship without making a pronouncement about your decision,” she says. This allows you to intentionally pull away while protecting your space versus needing to leave the situation or banish them from your life forever. 

Ahead, here are some tips to keep in mind as you begin to detach from someone in your life: 

1.

Explore your options thoughtfully. 

Before reaching the point of emotional detachment, communication is an essential step to determine your course of action. Talk to the person in question, your friends, or a therapist about how the relationship is affecting you.

“Getting feedback from others will help you to ensure that you are making the best decision for your well-being as opposed to impulsively cutting someone out of your life,” Napolitano says.

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2.

Redefine your relationship to what works for you.

If you do decide it’s time to detach, work on negotiating your emotional and physical availability to a place where you can still share space with them without compromising your boundaries. 

Emotional detachment will look like being less accessible. “[It’ll look like] not getting together as frequently, not responding to outreach as quickly, not taking the ‘bait’ if you feel triggered by this person’s behavior. It’s a slow process of moving someone from your inner circle to more of an acquaintance,” Napolitano says. 

3.

Remove them from an emotional pedestal.

If you’re looking to detach from someone you love like an ex-spouse, favorite sibling, or best friend, it’ll be a painful process–but remember that distancing can still be done with affection. 

Napolitano recommends holding them and your past beloved memories with tenderness while also understanding they may now have a different set of behaviors and values that no longer match up with your own. Bringing objectivity to the way you view them allows them to still be in your life, although their presence doesn’t have to loom large in your life. 

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4.

Put up a barrier so you can keep living your life. 

Emotional detachment can also look like “putting someone or something in a space or container in which you don’t feel the need to react to what they are doing or who they are,” McWard says. “It is the ability to maintain that you can still be OK and do the things that you need to do in your life, your job, etc., in spite of what the other person is doing.” 

The emotional barrier acts as a buffer to add room to the relationship so it can expand to a place where you can actually interact with the parts of them that do not cause you anxiety or judgment. 

Maybe you’re looking to get over a breakup, an unrequited crush, or a Hinge hookup that you still see around. Don’t diminish your feelings by not allowing yourself to be sad. It’s normal to be disappointed, and the longer you deny your feelings, the longer you’ll keep thinking about them. 

Let yourself grieve that it couldn’t work out, and reframe the connection so you can still talk to them without feeling knocked off balance. That could look like texting them about your problems less, not hanging out as much, and restricting how often you see them on social media.

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6.

Limit the relationship to what you have in common.

Maybe you’re looking to emotionally disconnect from a toxic coworker who wants to get you involved with workplace drama. With individuals whom you are forced to interact with on a regular basis, McWard suggests focusing only on the aspects of the relationship that pertain to those common interests or responsibilities.

For other matters, “emotionally create a buffer between yourself and the other person around anything else. Your focus stays firmly rooted only on doing your job and doing it well, and you let go of giving attention or energy to the other person and what they are or are not doing,” she says. 

7.

Focus on what you can control.

“This will be different for each person in each situation. It may mean that you recognize that the choices that someone else makes or their actions are not your responsibility, or do not require your approval,” McWard says.” This may mean that you no longer engage in certain aspects of the relationship because doing so is hurtful or harmful to you in some way.” 

She notes this could look like having boundaries around topics you will or will not discuss, withdrawing the need from wanting a particular outcome from them, or reducing how open and vulnerable you choose to be with them. It may also look like limiting contact within the relationship. “But in all possible iterations of this, the focus is on you and taking care of yourself, not on changing anything about the other person,” she says.

8.

Reset your expectations realistically.

“If you have a family member whose behavior is toxic (perhaps they’re abusing alcohol, maybe they have radically different politics than you do, etc.), you may have found yourself arguing with this person over the years. Perhaps you’ve even pleaded with them to change their behavior,” Napolitano says. “Emotional detachment involves realizing that this person is unlikely to change quickly and that it’s better to love this person from afar than to get sucked into a pattern of fighting with this person.”

If you see them everyday, they don’t have to know you are detaching, since it can be conveyed with a subtle, nonverbal shift in attitude. 

McWard adds that you can still hold the other person in your mind and heart with good thoughts and wishes while maintaining distance. “It is a way that you can hold care for them without having to be directly involved with them.” 

In our relationships, we want to be honest and embody our best selves. With emotional detachment, you don’t always have to strive to embody that version of yourself with all the people in your life, and that’s perfectly OK. Not all relationships require you to take the higher action. After all, it takes two people to affect change. 

Sometimes, it’s healthier to focus on yourself and what you can control as a form of self-care. Learning emotional detachment is learning how to be discerning enough to understand which people are able to put in the work to nurture a growth-oriented relationship and which people aren’t able to do that. If this connection is starting to negatively impact you, it’s worth putting in some emotional distance so they can still be a part of your life.