I Had Panic Attacks For Years — Until I Tried This Type Of Therapy

After the hives, I started feeling chronically exhausted—I didn’t even have the energy to reach over and grab a glass of water from my nightstand. Then, I found out I had a fibroid on my uterus that was the size of a grapefruit. I was also experiencing a lot of pain in my jaw, back, neck, and really all of my joints.

At this point, as someone who had been immersed in the wellness world for some time, something in me said these symptoms were all tied together. I thought there was no way I could be experiencing all of these bizarre one-offs.

However, none of the doctors I saw offered me any clear answers. I had the hives all over my body for nine months, and the dermatologists I consulted told me it was eczema, and offered me steroid cream. 

My experience with chronic illness also came with anxiety, PTSD, and panic attacks—so I was coping with these mental challenges at the same time as my physical symptoms. 

I ended up reaching out to a Lyme specialist who ran a variety of tests and diagnosed me with Lyme, co-infections, mold toxicity, parasites, and gut health issues. From there, I quickly started trying all kinds of alternative therapies: ozone, stem cells, hyperbaric chamber, supplements, IVs, and so many different modalities. And I’ve spent the last six years supporting my body through diet, supplements, holistic medicine, mindset, and psychedelics. 

Then, last year I had a baby. During the postpartum period, my physical and mental health issues started flaring back up again, and that’s when I started looking into new options. 

My dear friend Mike Dow, MS, PsyD, PhD is one of the lead psychotherapists at Field Trip Health, a ketamine-assisted therapy office. After watching him get so immersed in the ketamine space—and speak about the benefits—I texted him and asked if we could do a session together. I’d done ketamine IVs at doctor’s offices in the past to help with my chronic pain, and I’ve done psychedelic ceremonies with ayahuasca and psilocybin—but I had never done any type of psychedelic therapy.

At Field Trip, they administer intramuscular ketamine doses, rather than an IV. I learned this method creates a completely different experience, and immediately takes you into a very psychedelic space. 

During that session, I was set up in a very calm, soothing treatment room. I received my first intramuscular dose, to begin what’s called psycholytic therapy—meaning the therapist is with you and you’re conversing the whole time. I wasn’t sure what it was going to be like with Mike there, because I’d done a number of psychedelics without a therapist involved. I didn’t know if I would want to talk, but I soon found it was the perfect environment to really express what I was seeing. 

After 10 to 20 minutes, I received my second dose, and then it became a fully immersive psychedelic experience. Again, Mike stayed in the room with me, to help support me through this part of the journey. It lasted about 30 to 45 minutes, although it felt like hundreds of lifetimes in that deep psychedelic space. Then, as I came out of it, I slowly began to speak and unpack my experience.

That first experience was so profound that truly within 10 seconds of the journey, I said to Mike, this was so much more than I was anticipating—but I was so excited. 

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I felt immense relief even after that first session, and I’ve continued my work with Field Trip and Mike for many months since then. 

This experience has really helped me understand my pain, so when anxiety or panic comes up, I’m able to speak to those parts of myself in a very loving way. Finding a physical-mental connection through this experience has also helped manage my chronic pain symptoms. Since beginning this work, I haven’t suffered from panic attacks. 

I've also been able to go back to traumatic memories that I had completely wiped out in my mind, and process those with the help of Mike. We've even processed trauma from previous psychedelic experiences, where I had gone too deep too quickly.

What’s more, through my sessions, the ketamine has shown me that I don’t really put myself first—and as a new mom, it’s even more challenging. But I’ve been able to inward and realize how important it is to make that time for me. The ketamine has really been a gift to myself, to spend time nurturing my body and mind. I’ve also made it a point to carve out time before and after my sessions to allow everything to sink in, create new patterns, and practice something (like meditating or reading) that’s supportive to my brain.

I think there’s so much work to be done, but it’s incredible just how quick and effective ketamine therapy has been effective for me. 

I think everybody is nervous before they try psychedelic therapy for the first time. Honestly, it would be odd if you weren't nervous, because it’s taking you to states of consciousness that you most likely have never experienced before. That's a beautiful thing, because that's the brain finding new neural pathways, and ways to grow. When I've had scarier moments on a ketamine journey, I’ve said out loud to Mike that I feel lost or scared, because I’ve never seen what I’m seeing before. He always reminds me that’s a positive thing, because it’s exploring new territory, and your brain is finding new ways to cope and heal. 

Of course, each individual is on their own journey, and this type of therapy might not be the best fit for everyone. However, I think if people experience that inner desire or calling to try it, I would recommend running with it. The next step is finding an environment and atmosphere where you feel safe to explore these new realms of your mind.  

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Exploring ketamine has been mainly about treating the ongoing panic and PTSD, which I had long before I became a mother. However, I think after I had my son, it all became enhanced. He deserves a happy, healthy, energetic mom, and I wanted to do everything in my power to make that a reality. Ultimately, motherhood really put everything into a whole new perspective for me.

Thankfully, I feel psychedelics combined with everything else that I continue to do for my chronic illness has helped tremendously, allowing me to show up as the best version of myself. 

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