Many Women Are Actually High Functioning Codependents—Are You?

I used to cringe at the term "codependent." It felt weak, pathetic—something that happened to other people. Not me. I was the one who got things done, who showed up, who made everything work. Until I realized I was drowning in a sophisticated pattern of over-functioning that was slowly eroding my soul.

Growing up Singaporean-Chinese with a heavy dose of Catholic guilt, I'd internalized toxic mantras: "Give till it hurts," "You can love it all away," "Forgive and forget." My cultural conditioning and personal history had transformed me into a master of survival—always doing, never truly being. It wasn't until I found myself entangled with a narcissistic partner that I vowed to eradicate everything making me vulnerable.

Over the past nine years, I've shed layers of unconscious patterns, walking my talk as I work with high-achieving professionals navigating complex personal dynamics. I've learned to breathe differently, to set boundaries that once seemed impossible, to prioritize my peace over performative perfection. 

When my friend Terri Cole's book Too Much landed in my hands late 2024, it was the bible I wish my younger self could have read—a comprehensive guide to understanding High Functioning Codependency (HFC).

What is a High Functioning Codependent?

High Functioning Codependents look like ultimate helpers—capable and in control. But this is control disguised as care, an escape from personal pain.

Your compulsive giving is a survival mechanism that avoids confronting your own emotional landscape by constantly managing others' lives.

As Terri Cole defines it: High functioning codependency is being overly invested in the feeling states, decisions, outcomes, and circumstances of people in your life—to the detriment of your own internal peace and emotional well-being.

The more capable you are, the less your codependency looks like codependency. Your suffering remains invisible—even to yourself.

The emotional labor of high-functioning codependency takes a significant toll. Constantly managing others' needs and expectations drains your most valuable resource—your mental energy and potential. What could you achieve if you redirected that energy towards your own growth and aspirations?

Signs of High Functioning Codependence

Here are the signs of HFC as informed by Terri's writings and through my personal and clinical experience:

Your nervous system has become a sophisticated early warning system. You're not just nice—you're strategically nice. Your ability to read rooms and anticipate needs isn't empathy; it's a survival mechanism developed through complex relational experiences.

You're brilliant, but you've mastered the art of dimming your light. Why? Because shining feels dangerous. It might:

Ironically, you're exceptional at highlighting others' achievements while systematically playing down your own. Your brain has coded this as a safety mechanism—if you're not too visible, you can't be hurt.

Ask yourself: Who are you without your accomplishments? The silence is telling. Your worth has become a complex algorithm of productivity, not an inherent value. Unhealed childhood shame manifests as perfectionism, workaholism, and a constant bid for external validation.

Let me share a personal example. If I introduced a colleague to a reporter and nothing materialized, I'd blame myself. "I didn't engineer the connection properly," I'd think. This isn't just kindness—it's a neurological pattern of over-responsibility that keeps you perpetually anxious and exhausted.

Here's where it gets fascinating. You have the perfect chemical reaction: the narcissist—a self-focused taker and controller—and you, the other-focused overgiver and overfixer determined to sort something rigged against you.

Both parties are mesmerized because unresolved childhood injuries are being played out. It feels devastatingly familiar. Having worked with complex relational dynamics across multiple high-stakes environments, I've seen how these patterns play out with surgical precision.

Your help isn't just help—it's a sophisticated survival mechanism. You give without pausing, motivated by avoiding conflict and managing others' emotional landscapes. Your efficiency masks an internal storm of unmet needs and silent exhaustion.

You're an expert at knowing everyone else's emotions but struggle to communicate your own. Fear of rejection and conflict avoidance have turned you into a master of emotional translation for everyone except yourself.

Your impeccable performance isn't just achievement—it's a shield. A carefully constructed facade that says, "Nothing to see here," while your inner world is a complex landscape of unprocessed emotions.

In your family system, survival meant pouring all energy into others. You learned that belonging requires complete self-abandonment. Your needs? Footnotes in a story where everyone else is the protagonist.

You appear incredibly capable, but underneath lies a deep difficulty in truly being vulnerable and receiving support.

What to do about: Your transformation toolkit

Create a documented trail of your:

Every time doubt creeps in, you'll have a reality check document that quiets the internal critic.

Just like Netflix, some relationships have costs that far exceed their value. Identify the people who:

You'll always have a part that wants to save and give. The key is strategic giving:

It's not about perfection, but about creating space between your automatic responses and conscious choices. As Terri suggests, start with the basics of emotional regulation: learning to pause and reconnect with yourself.

When you feel triggered, you can use Terri’s "3 Qs for Clarity" to explore the roots of your emotional responses: 

Remember, growth is painful. You'll grieve the self you were and the lives you won't live. But each moment of awareness is a step towards genuine liberation.

The takeaway

You don't feel how heavy something is until you have let go of it. High Functioning Codependency is a sophisticated survival mechanism that once protected you—now, it's holding you back.

The narcissist-codependent chemistry is complex. It's a neurological dance of trauma responses, where your brain has learned that hypervigilance equals safety. Think of this journey as a sophisticated software update for your internal operating system.

Transformation isn't about fixing a broken system—it's about unlocking your most powerful, integrated self. Your brain has been running on complex survival codes developed years ago. Now, it's time for a conscious, intentional upgrade that aligns with who you are becoming.

The most advanced form of self-care is understanding the intricate programming that's been running your life, and choosing to rewrite the script. What if safety looked different? What if transformation meant reclaiming your nervous system, not just managing it?

If this resonates, you're not alone. You're not weak. You're a high-functioning professional standing at the threshold of your most significant upgrade.

Your nervous system doesn't have to be your battleground. There's a path to reclaiming your inner peace—one strategic breath at a time.