11 Qualities That Make A Truly Good Friend, From Relationship Experts

1.

You like being around them.

First things first: You will like being around a truly good friend. That may seem obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people don't actually realize they feel bad around certain people. It's important that your friendships feel warm and fun, according to relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, because that fun and playful aspect creates feelings of belonging and safety.

It'll be easy to laugh and have fun with a good friend, licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT adds, and further, "deep conversations also come easily and leave you feeling nurtured and filled up."

Further, she adds, there will simply be a natural click with good friends. "When the chemistry is there, conversation flows, there is playfulness, and you can let your guard down. Looking at whether someone has the qualities of a good friend is important, but go beyond the checklist and trust your gut to make sure there is also friend chemistry—this is what leads to finding friends who are truly kindred spirits," Leeds explains.

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When the going gets tough, good friends get going. Just like our romantic relationships require effort, maintenance, and care, so to do our friendships. As Page puts it, being a good friend requires choice after choice to elevate the importance of your friendship.

"It's this unconditional sense of being there for them, even when you see your friend acting out the same mistakes again and again," he says. Whether they're a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen, or simply an overall positive force in your life, good friends are there for you when you need them.

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4.

They share in your happiness and pain.

5.

They're honest with you.

There's a difference between being supportive and enabling certain behaviors. While a good friend will help see you through hard times, you'll also be able to trust in their honesty with you. Or as Page puts it, "You can trust your friend to be kind, but also be truthful."

And what's more, a good friend can also remind you when you're acting out the same old patterns in your job, relationship, family, etc.—because in plain terms, they know you well enough to call you on your BS. "In long-term friendships, you see the long arcs of patterns, and so good friends are invaluable because they can point this stuff out," Page explains.

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6.

You can be your truest self around them.

We all need people we feel we can really be ourselves around—no phoniness, no social mask, and no pretending. As Leeds tells mindbodygreen, good friends are trustworthy, understanding, and supportive, so in their presence, you'll be comfortable to show up authentically, which further leads to relaxation and a sense of belonging. "Typically," she adds, "those who have the qualities of a good friend offer a high level of openness, integrity, and acceptance."

And as psychotherapist Jinnie Cristerna, LCSW, Rh.D., CHt, previously told mindbodygreen, "Being able to have fun and share special memories are the result of having a trusting relationship that feels safe."

7.

They're emotionally mature.

Good friends have the emotional maturity to understand healthy conflict resolution and general relationship maintenance, with Leeds noting that people who make good friends typically have an emotional depth, safety, and authenticity to them. Especially in long-term friendships, there will undoubtedly come a time when you butt heads—but that won't send a true friend running.

"Just like in a romantic relationship, you have to cultivate friendship," Page explains, mentioning a quote from Marianne Williamson where she says, As I grow emotionally, my friends become more like lovers—and my lovers become more like friends.

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8.

They make time for you.

No one wants to be friends with a total flake, and one basic necessity of a good friend is that they make time for you. Tying back to the idea of general friendship maintenance, Page explains that a good friend will be there for you even when it's not convenient for them and requires their physical or emotional availability.

And as Leeds adds, good friends are also great listeners and skilled communicators. "They show up to the friendship with consistency, kindness, and nonjudgment, [...] putting in effort and prioritizing spending time together," she explains, adding that they'll also be willing to take responsibility for their share of the friendship (i.e. initiating plans and reaching out to check in).

9.

You can trust and be vulnerable with each other.

10.

There's an equal give and take.

11.

They make you feel validated and seen.

1.

They don't respect you.

Mutual respect is a fundamental key to any healthy relationship, including friendships. Whether your friend disrespects your boundaries, your time, your efforts, or are just generally self-centered, that's not a good friend, according to Leeds.

And as Page adds, an unhealthy friendship is one where your friend's feelings of jealousy or envy are so strong that they can't feel happy for you, or they may not empathize when you're upset, instead just telling you what you're doing wrong, he notes. Overall, the respect just isn't there, and they don't make you feel good to be around.

2.

They're a fair-weather friend.

Manipulation is never a sign of anything positive, so if your friend engages in bullying, guilt tripping, possessiveness, sabotaging, gaslighting, blaming, or any other number of manipulative tactics, watch out. As psychotherapist Annette Nuñez, Ph.D., LMFT previously told mindbodygreen, toxic friends "may place blame on you, like everything is always your fault, and you're to blame for everything in the relationship."

Keep your eye out for excessive gossiping, as well. According to Leeds, "Some gossip is normal in most friendships, but if gossip takes on a large role or feels mean-spirited, this is a sign that this person is likely talking about you behind your back too which will erode the emotional safety in the relationship."

If good friends boost you up, bad friends tear you down. Page explains that it's a major sign of a bad friend if you don't feel truly supported by them, they're competitive with you, or they simply don't feel good to be around.

"Other qualities to be wary of," Leeds adds, "are not feeling aligned with your friend’s values, dishonesty, and if they are critical or frequently very negative." She explains that friends with these qualities will likely drag you down, and if you have to contort who you are in the friendship, "it’s fair to assume that you are not comfortable with your friend [or] they are judgmental or not understanding."

5.

They're emotionally immature.

Emotional maturity is required to maintain any healthy relationship, and friendships are no exception. According to Nuñez a toxic friend will always find a way to circle the conversation back to themselves, for instance, or they'll find a way to blame you for everything.

And as Page tells mindbodygreen, emotionally immature people will have a hard time getting vulnerable, or even working through issues in the friendship, which will make it very difficult to sustain.