16 Signs You're In Love Platonically, Not Romantically (& What That Means)

Platonic love is a type of love that is distinctly non-sexual and non-romantic, while still being deep, close, and meaningful. Beyond a simple friendship, platonic love describes a bond that’s defined by heartfelt connection, intimacy, and care.

The term platonic references the ancient Greek philosopher Plato, whose work theorized about the nature of love and its highest forms. Plato’s work conceptualized the most enlightened types of love as transcending beyond the body in favor of love for the soul and the love of wisdom. Because of this, the idea of platonic love became associated with having a strong, emotionally intimate connection that goes beyond sexuality and romance.

Today, the term platonic is often used to describe the absence of sex and romance in any relationship. The relationships between parent and child, mentor and student, professional colleagues, and friends can all be described as platonic relationships.

“Platonic love can be part of platonic relationships, and is often sensed as a deeper layer of caring and connection,” somatic psychologist and sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, tells mbg. “In essence, people feel love for each other without a foundation of sexual interest.”

Romantic love is the love between romantic partners, which involves a mix of passion, sexual attraction, attachment, and commitment. Platonic love takes the sex and romance out of the equation, while still involving similar levels of closeness, commitment, and care. Importantly, platonic love is not a “lesser” form of love than romantic love.

Psychologist and friendship expert Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., beautifully describes the relationship between the two in her New York Times bestseller Platonic:

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Platonic love is not necessarily synonymous to friendship, though some close friends do have platonic love for each other.

“Platonic love denotes a deep level of closeness, love, understanding, communication, honesty and transparency, and intimacy,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, a sex therapist and director at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York. “Not all friendships have all of those qualities, nor all of those qualities to the depth of platonic love.”

If you’re wondering if being platonic with someone means you're “just friends,” it’s likely that the friendship in question does not involve true platonic love. Platonic friends truly love and value their relationship to each other exactly as it is, without seeing it as lesser or lacking just because sex or romance is not involved. It’s diametrically opposed to what some people refer to as the “friend zone,” wherein a person resents their status as a friend because what they actually want is sex or romantic affection.

Platonic love challenges the idea that sex and romance definitively make a relationship “more” or “better.”

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People don't tend to think about or prioritize their platonic relationships nearly as much as they do their romantic relationships.

“Many of us grew up with the idea that a romantic partner was supposed to satisfy all of our needs; that our happiness had to come from the romantic relational system,” says Richmond. “More recently, we understand that a healthy romantic relationship can be an essential part of a person’s well-being, but it can’t be the only part.”

Here are a few of the many benefits of platonic relationships:

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Platonic relationships offer opportunities for pleasure, variety, camaraderie, and a general sense of belonging to our lives. As certified sex therapist Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, previously told mindbodygreen, “Platonic friendship allows for feeling connected, discussing ideas, and feeling witnessed in general in life.”

The novelty is particular important, according to Richmond: “Friends bring fresh perspectives and novel experiences, which enhance how we feel, behave, and experience the world.”

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While platonic relationships offer many of the same benefits as their romantic counterparts, Richmond notes that platonic relationships can actually make it easier to enjoy many of these things.

“Our platonic relationships are typically less fraught or high stakes than our romantic relationships—we are not living with that person day in and day out, and therefore we don’t place the same expectations on our platonic relationships that we do our romantic relationships,” she points out.

It can also be nice to have a mutually loving, supportive relationship with someone that isn’t based around sex or expectations for romance. You get to just enjoy each other’s company with no ulterior motives, and that’s kind of refreshing.

Having platonic relationships can take pressure off our romantic relationships from needing to satisfy every single interdependent need of ours, says Richmond.

"Most people have needs that can't be satisfied by one person, including their romantic partner. That is normal and perfectly healthy!" she points out. "It takes a village to fill the bucket of what helps us feel like our truest and most complete selves can thrive.”

For example, maybe your partner isn’t into the same kind of music as you, so you have a platonic friend who you’re able to go to shows and geek out about new albums with. Or perhaps your partner can get a bit drained from endless conversations processing your never-ending work drama, but you’ve got a close friend who has an endless capacity to listen to you vent.

Platonic life partnerships have been getting more attention these days, and for good reason. These are partnerships wherein two people choose to share their lives together to the same degree as typical romantic couples—think buying a house together, sharing expenses, and maybe even raising kids with each other—just without the sex or dating.

“A platonic partnership can involve deep emotional connection, fulfillment, and commitment which can enrich our lives,” says Kahn.

1.

Make your intentions known

Certain activities are more closely associated to romantic and sexual relationships. A candlelit dinner for two with rose petals scattered around you? Probably kinda romantic. Texting them past midnight to come over to watch Netflix and chill? Kinda sexual.

“Propose plans and outings that friends would do together, rather than romantic date nights or hanging out at home alone on the couch,” says Richmond. The boundaries will depend on the particular people involved (lots of platonic friends do love binging Netflix together), but be thoughtful and read the room.

Your body language and choice of words can communicate a lot. Be wary of flirty behavior that might give mixed signals, says Richmond, unless or until you and this person have firmly established what the expectations are. Some platonic friends can be playful and flirty with each other without crossing a line, but typically that comes alongside actively making it clear that your relationship is decidedly platonic in nature.

“If [your language has] flirty or has sexual nuances, that’s fine in long-term friendships because both people understand their roles in the friendship and can ‘play’ that way, but you may need to be less flirty or sexual when first starting a platonic relationship,” Richmond adds.

4.

Nurture the relationship

Boundaries matter in platonic relationships. At the same time though, what’s so amazing about platonic love is that it really is love. And when you love someone, you actively care about them and your relationship to them.

“When you think about nurturing a platonic relationship, think about how you’d nurture any relationship,” says Kahn. “Some examples include: vulnerability, communication, spending time with each other, showing appreciation, showing affection, and co-providing emotional support.” All of these behaviors are features of platonic love relationships.

If you don’t want to be in a platonic relationship with someone, it’s time to get brave and tell them how you feel. Ask if they’re interested in pursuing something romantic or sexual with you.

Relationships are a two-way street, so it’s important the two of you are on the same page about what you want your relationship to be. If you’re falling in love with a friend who doesn’t feel the same way, it’s important to respect their boundaries and make peace with the relationship as it is. If you’re not able to move forward platonically, it may be necessary to take a break from the friendship until your feelings cool and you’re able to re-establish the relationship as true friends.

(We’ve got a full guide on how to stop liking someone, if you need it.)