Narcissistic Gaslighting Is A Terrifying Combo: 7 Signs You're Dealing With It

Narcissism is a pattern of behavior characterized by excessive self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a constant need for admiration and attention, and an inability to handle criticism in a healthy way. Narcissists can be easy to fall in love with because they don’t initially display their worst traits. Over time, though, narcissistic abuse can become more commonplace. One common warning sign is repetitive gaslighting. 

“Gaslighting is when someone tries to convince you that their reality is real and yours is not,” psychotherapist Cynthia LaForte, LCSW, tells mbg. “It can feel like control and manipulation because it is, but it's in service of the person doing the gaslighting.” She adds that it can feel like one person is always right and the other is always wrong.

A gaslighter needs to exert their own reality onto others because acknowledging that someone else could be having an experience that is different than theirs is too threatening. They may attempt to “sow seeds of doubt within the victim, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity,” says licensed counselor Candace Kotkin-De Carvalho LSW, LCADC, CCS, CCTP.

Narcissist gaslighting involves a narcissistic person using gaslighting tactics to bolster their ego or sense of superiority over others. “Gaslighting is a way to gain a narcissistic supply from someone,” LaForte explains. A narcissistic supply is attention – negative or positive – that a narcissist thrives upon for validation and self-importance. 

Moreover, narcissists need their reality to be true–and true for everyone–because their sense of self is too fragile to invite even the possibility of a different experience than their own, explains LaForte.

According to Kotkin-De Carvalho, narcissist gaslighting in relationships is a common tactic to maintain control over their partners and create an environment of fear and confusion. Subtle methods, like lying, making false accusations, or withholding information, can pair with more overt tactics, such as using intimidation or invalidating a partner’s emotions, to manipulate their partner into doing what they want. 

Narcissists use gaslighting to distort or undermine their partner’s sense of reality, which may prevent them from speaking out against the narcissist's behavior or ending the relationship altogether. It may take an outsider’s observation or repeated cycles of narcissistic gaslighting before you catch on that you’re on the receiving end of a narcissistic relationship pattern.

It may be easiest to see that you’re dealing with narcissist gaslighting when you try to break up with a narcissist. It can be extremely hard to do, as they want to play mind games or undermine your support systems well after you’ve told them it’s over. 

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Adding insult to injury, after a narcissist causes their partner to question aspects of their own life that they know to be true, the narcissist may invalidate the feelings this brings up in the partner. A narcissist might tell their partner that their emotions are irrational or exaggerated. The narcissist might say things like, "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive,” after saying very hurtful, demeaning, or contradictory things to their partner. (Here are some other examples of gaslighting phrases.) 

If you’re in a relationship where you’re always feeling as though you are bad or wrong no matter what, that relationship likely isn’t healthy. But if you notice that your partner is never wrong and never takes accountability for their actions, you’re likely experiencing narcissistic gaslighting.

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It’s a sign that you’re experiencing narcissistic gaslighting “if you're constantly deferring to someone else's way of thinking as opposed to your own,” says LaForte. “An inner struggle might be having to actively convince yourself that someone else's reality is right and yours is wrong. Or you may simply default to thinking that you can't trust yourself to know what your experience is, and you need to rely on someone else to tell you.”

If a narcissistic partner repeatedly says things like "You're remembering it wrong" or "That's not what I said," then they might be twisting the truth.

Narcissists are not the best listeners. They are most known for dismissing their partners with hurtful language, like "You're crazy" or "You're being paranoid,” rather than listening with an empathetic ear. 

In fact, people associated with dark personalities – sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists – may use empathy as a weapon. They may deliberately say hurtful things that they know already play upon the vulnerabilities and sensitivities of their partner. Don’t expect a narcissistic gaslighter to reassure or validate your emotions. 

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6.

Withholding affection or love

A narcissist might threaten to withhold affection or love if their victim does not comply with their demands or agree with their version of events. For example, female narcissists are said to use neglect or guilt as a form of control, not just against romantic partners but also against their children or other loved ones.

Often, narcissists target codependent people as relationship partners, because they know that this kind of emotional manipulation is highly effective in people who would do anything for their partner’s approval.

Although narcissists are hard to communicate with, one of the things you must clearly get across is your own boundaries. Some people go so far as cutting off all contact with the narcissist, but others might find that smaller milestones are important before this stage. Boundaries like preserving time with family and friends, regardless of the narcissist’s protests, are very useful. Even asking that they do not interfere with activities that matter most to you could also be a boundary.

Also, be mindful of controlling and manipulative tendencies on social media or with your contacts. Many people find blocking their accounts and locking their phone’s tracking capabilities as necessary to establish boundaries with a narcissist.

“If a situation becomes too overwhelming or dangerous, remove yourself from the situation and seek help from someone you trust,” Kotkin-De Carvalho says. If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, remember that you are not responsible for their behavior. Remember, no one deserves emotional abuse. 

Work on rebuilding your sense of self and your confidence in your own perceptions. Stick with therapy, try mindful meditation, or practice other activities that help you reconnect with your inner voice. Keep a journal and write down your experiences and feelings.

These tactics help you process what happened and validate your feelings about what you experienced. Re-reading your journal or listening to the patterns your therapist identifies can also help you to recognize patterns of abuse and learn how to avoid manipulation in the future.

The struggles of dealing with a gaslighting narcissist are real. You may feel depressed or unmotivated on a regular basis. Kotkin-De Carvalho suggests making time for yourself, focusing on activities that make you feel good and re-connecting with people who offer support and reassurance. Self-care might include exercising, eating a balanced diet, and sleeping well too.

Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the harm. Give yourself time to heal, and don't blame yourself for what has happened.

It is important to recognize narcissist gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse that can have serious negative effects on your mental health and well-being. Kotkin-De Carvalho says that you know what you’re dealing with is truly problematic when your partner can’t accept your own experience as true for you. 

Most people can understand that we may have our own experience and someone may have their own. We don’t need to change the other person’s mind about something they experienced; we can accept the differences and move forward—without letting their experience invalidate our own.

If you’re in a relationship where your account of events is the one that’s always questioned or corrected, you might be experiencing gaslighting. If your partner blames you for your own feelings or lacks empathy when you share how hurt their responses makes you feel, then you may be dealing with a partner with narcissistic tendencies.

If you think you are experiencing narcissistic gaslighting, set boundaries and seek support from your loved ones and possibly from a mental health provider. With the right support and tools, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and reclaim your sense of self.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.