Are Your Friends Toxic? 13 Warning Signs + What To Do About It, From Therapists

13 signs of a toxic friend:

Good friends understand and respect boundaries, and according to Nuñez, a person who continually ignores the boundaries you set is likely toxic. While this can happen in the form of someone deliberately disrespecting and crossing your boundaries, therapist Anna Marchenko, LMHC, Ed.M., says a lack of boundaries is also often a feature of codependent friendships, wherein friends become so enmeshed that they lack appropriate separation and autonomy. "When boundaries have slipped, the intensity of one's connection to another can escalate to an unhealthy level for both individuals," she previously told mbg.

Any relationship, including platonic ones, should have reciprocity, as in, an equal give and take. If it's not, and you're in a one-sided friendship, it is likely toxic. As Nuñez puts it, you may feel you're giving more of yourself to the friendship than they are. They take, take, take, and you get little in return, she explains, as you put a majority of the emotional labor into the friendship.

One big thing to pay attention to if you think you're dealing with a toxic friend is how you feel around them, or how you feel after you've hung out with them. As Nuñez explains, you may feel emotionally drained, whether your mood drops, you feel anxious, or just simply exhausted by their presence. Those are all signs that the friendship is impacting you in negative ways, and may therefore be unhealthy (i.e., toxic) for you.

Nuñez also notes that toxic people have a hard time holding themselves accountable or taking the blame for their wrongdoings. In this case, "They may place blame on you, like everything is always your fault, and you're to blame for everything in the relationship," she adds.

A toxic friend may also lean on guilt tripping, whether they're blaming you for something, and/or disrespecting your boundaries. Imagine a friend trying to guilt trip you into doing something with them, saying things like, "You never want to see me anymore," for example. "So they blame you and make themselves the victim—and you feel guilty because of it," Nuñez explains.

Trust is a huge component to any healthy relationship, and if you know you can't trust your "friend," that's probably because you know to some extent that there's something toxic about them or the friendship. "Loyalty is big, so not being able to trust them—whether they backstab you or can't keep your secrets—you know you can't confide in them, and that's toxic," Nuñez says.

Sometimes we outgrow people, simple as that. Even if your friend isn't explicitly doing "toxic" things, Nuñez explains, the very fact that you've outgrown each other can lend itself to repeating old patterns or keeping yourself small. "As we get older, our dynamics and what we value in friendships may change. It's okay to not feel bad for having a long-term friend and not necessarily being that close with them," she adds.

Enabling can be a super subtle sign of a toxic friendship. As couples therapist Alicia Muñoz, LPC previously explained to mbg, "enabling" is when you give someone the power or means to do something. For example, you may want to quit drinking, but this friend is always insisting you come out for happy hour with them. When someone enables you, it tends to "reinforce the powerless position" you're already in, Muñoz notes.

We all know to avoid manipulative people, but manipulation can be very subtle. Guilt-tripping, passive aggressive behavior, and gaslighting are all forms of manipulation that can be hard to spot. As therapist and relationship expert Ann Barham, MFT, previously told mbg, manipulation encompasses any behavior when someone is "trying to trick you into behaving a certain way, whether it's giving you something, doing something for you—but without coming straight out and saying it, and instead trying to get you to do it without you knowing it."

This one might seem obvious, but bullying can be discreet, too. Bullying is emotional abuse, Nuñez notes, whether they gossip about you behind your back, yell at or demean you, throw you under the bus in front of other people, and so on. "Anything that makes you feel less than," is a sign of a toxic friend, Nuñez says.

A good friend will celebrate your wins with you, not feel jealous, bitter, or resentful. "With fake friends [...] there's this underlying jealousy where they don't want you to do too well," Nuñez previously told mbg. A toxic friend may even go so far as to sabotage your success because of this sense of competition and jealousy, whether they're constantly trying to undermine or embarrass you, or telling you not to do things that are good for you.

Similarly, a toxic friend isn't going to be great at holding space for your difficult emotions either. Whether they display toxic positivity, or seem to go cold whenever you're upset, Nuñez says these kinds of friends will not be concerned when you're going through a hard time. They may try to "fast forward" through those conversations to get back to having fun, i.e., the "fair-weather" type of friend.

Last but not least, a toxic friend will not truly see you for who you are, and even if they do understand you, they don't accept you. This may look like outright degradation or diminishment, but it can also look like constantly trying to fix you. As Neo previously wrote for mbg, "One of the most mortifying situations is when someone well-intentioned gathers others to shame you for a flaw, thinking this will whip you into action. Other people aren't our projects, and just because we can solve a problem doesn't mean we should."

What causes a friend to be toxic?

How toxic friends affect you.

How to deal with toxic friends.

The takeaway.

We all deserve to be surrounded by healthy, supportive friends who have our best interests at heart and help us to feel like the best versions of ourselves—anything less is only going to bring us down. If you think your friend is toxic, and find that keeping your distance is necessary for your own wellbeing, then keeping your distance is exactly what you should do.