How Do You Know When It's Truly Time To Let Someone Go?

April 14, 2022 — 11:27 AM

Letting go of someone means to sever the connection you have with them, according to marriage and family therapist Shelly Bullard, MFT. Even if you'll always have a place in your heart for them and love them unconditionally, when you realize this person isn't truly right for you, you have to accept it.

That acceptance is the letting go. It's understanding that you're better off without this person having immediate access to you, if any at all. And from this place of acceptance, you're able to free up the attention and energy you were giving this person, and put it towards things that actually bring you peace and joy.

Whether you've just experienced a breakup, or you have a feeling you're about to, finally letting go of that person is never easy. Even when it's your decision, there's still an open wound there that will take time to heal, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT.

Abuse should never be tolerated, Leeds tells mbg. If abuse of any kind is present in the relationship, whether physical, emotional, and/or verbal abuse, that's a major sign to let this person go.

Sometimes it can be hard to recognize abuse, or you may not feel like things are "that bad." When in doubt, Leeds says to look out for two things in particular: "If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re with your partner, it’s time to consider leaving the relationship. And if you don’t feel safe with your partner, both emotionally and physically, it’s time to end the relationship."

According to clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, it's not uncommon to experience rose-colored glasses with the objects of our affection, and this can lead to constantly excusing inexcusable behavior.

"People will tell me things like, 'He's not a full blown narcissist,' and I will then ask, 'Does he really need to be a full-blown narcissist before you're going to walk away? Because if you're waiting for that, then you're heading into full destruction," she explains.

Even on the less extreme end, Neo says, you may experience "selective memory" or "confirmation bias," seldom recalling the bad times and only focusing on the brief, good moments. "And if this is happening and stopping you from having an objective view, then this is actually incredibly dangerous to you," she adds.

Along with how you act and behave around this person, it's also a good idea to take stock of how they make you feel. Leeds explains that feelings of general discomfort, or feeling drained after spending time with them, indicate that you're better off leaving the relationship.

And as Neo adds, if you dread their presence, or feel like you need ample time to recharge after you're around them, they're definitely draining you and your energy.

Sometimes, even if a relationship isn't unhealthy or toxic, we simply outgrow it. This can be particularly difficult to walk away from, because the relationship may be comfortable or otherwise "good." Neo says it takes a good amount of honesty with yourself here, because there can be a lot of guilt in letting go.

"Some people choose not to grow, or choose to calcify or devolve into something else. And if you seek growth—this is an inevitable thing that happens—we outgrow people, even those that we love, and sometimes other people watching us grow don't feel happy about that."

Whether this person is trying to sabotage your growth, or you simply don't feel you're headed in the same upward trajectory, you have to ask yourself if this person will be conducive to the life you're seeking long term. And if they're not, it's time to walk away.

As much as you might love this person, it's important to think realistically about the situation. If there's any abuse present in this relationship, the first thing to think about when letting this person go is your own safety.

"If you have any safety concerns, make sure you tell your partner in a public setting if you choose to break up face-to-face, or consider letting them know by phone or text. Breakups can stir up big emotions, so if your partner is volatile, prioritize your safety above all else," Leeds says.

You might even have to be discreet in your getaway, Neo adds. You'll also want to make sure you have any necessary documents (if this will involve legal matters), a strong support system present, and even think about changing your passwords, she says. (Here's our full guide to leaving an abusive relationship.)

During the breakup, Leeds advises clearly and compassionately explaining that you’d like to go your separate ways. If they ask you why, you can give a few concrete reasons as to what feels off to you. "Take ownership for what isn’t working whenever possible using 'I' statements like, 'I feel on edge during our fights and lately, we’ve been arguing so much that it’s hard for me to feel at peace,' or 'I’ve realized I want to be with a partner who shares my vision of living abroad together.'"

This avoids drawing out the breakup or unnecessarily hurting your partner, she explains, and you don't have go into excruciating detail about every little thing you don’t like about them, instead sticking to the big picture.

Once the breakup is said and done, the really work of letting go is maintaining it. In most cases, going no-contact will be the quickest and healthiest road to recovery, and you'll need to communicate that expectation to this person.

"Remember that it’s not your job to get your partner through the pain of the breakup. Trying to help an ex-partner heal from the relationship is next to impossible because every time you’re there for them, it gives a mixed signal and risks re-hooking them into the relationship," Leeds explains.

And as Neo adds, they may very well try to reach out on holidays, or your birthday, for example, but it's important you don't give in.

According to psychotherapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, reminding yourself of your own self-worth, and further, acknowledging that you're worthy of the love you desire, is so important when letting go of someone. He explains that we often convince ourselves that something about us is stopping us from receiving love, but "this myth that we hold dear to our hearts causes us to enact cycles of pain for ourselves and others," he says, adding, "And that gets terribly triggered by people who cannot accept us and love us for who we are."

Here are a few ways to learn to love yourself again after a breakup--it'll be important for being able to truly move on.

Lastly, give yourself plenty of time and energy to focus on yourself. "Take time for yourself. When you spend a considerable amount of time with someone and that person leaves, that is a big change, and change is often uncomfortable," licensed therapist LeNaya Smith Crawford, LMFT previously explained to mbg.

She notes you can look for joy in doing things without a significant other, like catching up with close friends, meditation, or therapy. "Do what you need to nourish your soul as you process the breakup and start the journey of getting over them," she adds.

Our relationships are a huge part of our lives and our wellbeing, and letting go of a significant one can be heartbreaking to say the least. But when we're caught up in dynamics that don't serve us, we're only limiting ourselves—and letting go is the simply the best course of action.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.