If You're Always Craving Reassurance In Relationships, This May Be Why

"Ambivalent" is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as "having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone," and that's essentially what you get with an ambivalent attachment style.

According to somatic psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, a child develops an ambivalent attachment style when they find from an early age that they cannot truly rely on their caregivers emotionally. This results in relationship difficulties down the line, she says, wherein those insecurities around trust and emotional support and connection keep rearing their heads.

In short, people with an ambivalent attachment style have a deep need for love and attention, coupled with a deep (and potentially even deeper) fear of abandonment and rejection—and as you might imagine, these contradictory impulses don't make relationships very easy.

Attachment theory was first introduced by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s. The theory is centered around the belief (and today, research) that the relationships we have with our earliest caregivers result in particular outcomes, depending on the kind of care we received.

Those outcomes? The four different attachment styles, which describe the specific patterns and behaviors we commonly see take place in relationships. Here's a quick look at each:

Advertisement

As aforementioned, ambivalent attachment is one of the three insecure attachment styles (along with avoidant and fearful-avoidant). And experts agree, children who form ambivalent attachment styles likely had parents who were not consistently available for love and support, resulting in a fear of abandonment, rejection, and/or low self-esteem.

As clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner, Psy.D., previously told mbg, this could look like a parent being loving and available one moment, and the next, they're not meeting basic needs for love, security, or attention. "This leaves a child not knowing what to expect and hungry for attention and connection," she explains.

Psychologist Debra Campbell, Ph.D., also notes that despite wanting that connection and attention, children with this attachment style will struggle, because "childhood relationships may have taught them to deeply distrust closeness to others—that those you love and depend upon can be emotionally unpredictable, even abusive."

It's worth noting that there is some nuance within ambivalent attachment styles. For one thing, according to Richmond, these attachment styles aren't black-and-white, and should be thought of as more of a spectrum, particularly when it comes to how behaviors and patterns manifest.

To that end, there's something called "ambivalent passive" attachment style, and then there's "ambivalent resistant" attachment style.

Advertisement

Advertisement

2.

Overwhelmed by close connections

3.

Relationship fears are easily triggered

Advertisement

4.

Any perceived distance is a catastrophic problem

6.

Self-sabotaging behavior

7.

Feeling threatened by a partner's independence

Lastly, Wegner notes, being uncomfortable with your partner's independence is another big tell of an ambivalent attachment style. "This can come in the form of a partner going out with friends, connecting with others, or being unavailable because of work or family commitments," she explains. 

And speaking of independent partners, now might be a good time to mention that the actions of someone with an ambivalent attachment style "tend to attract avoidant styles—which confirms their fears of abandonment and rejection," according to Lippman-Barile.

As a child with an ambivalent attachment style grows up, they may likely experience some difficulty around forging close relationships, including both romantic ones and even friendships. Of course, this depends on the severity of their early emotional wounds, as well as how aware the person is of their own patterns, but generally speaking, relationships just may not come as easily compared to someone with a secure attachment style.

As Richmond explains, the fear of rejection and subsequent heartbreak can be very confusing when all these people really want is to experience loving relationships. And as Page adds, they will often feel very insecure when it comes to the emotional safety and availability of their partner.

"They tend to want deeper interactions, and report finding that the people around them don’t want or need that kind of depth with the same intensity," he notes.

While it's somewhat inevitable that we may unintentionally inflict some emotional wounds on our children, there are certainly things that can be done to help ensure your child grows up with a secure attachment style.

For one thing, according to Page, attention heals. "Caring attention heals in a profound way. Every parent can practice being present to their child in deeper ways, and it’s also important that we make space to help our child understand and validate the reasons for their ambivalence," he explains.

Whether that means prompting them to share what's bothering them, making space for all their emotions, or being consistent with your affection, the idea is that you are there for them—and they know it. Consistency is really what's key.

And according to Richmond, checking your own attachment style can have a profound impact, too. She notes that children with an ambivalent attachment style often had parents who themselves were anxious, avoidant, or a combination of both. To that end, children can only go off of what we model for them, so as a parent, getting to a place of secure attachment within yourself would certainly be helpful.

Healing an ambivalent attachment style and reaching a place of security can be particularly confusing, especially if you're doing this work while trying to navigate an existing romantic relationship. After all, you may not even be sure what a loving relationship really looks like—and it could overwhelm you when you do get it. As such, Richmond says, it's going to take some soul searching to figure out what your standards really are, and noticing when your old hardwiring is playing out.

Learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings and fear that creep up when you're triggered, she suggests, adding that when you start to notice these patterns more and more, you can make the conscious choice to let yourself be vulnerable and open. "And then it becomes a practice," she adds.

And speaking of fears, Page also notes that it's really important "not to just pathologize ambivalent attachment styles and assume that our perceptions are incorrect." As he explains, "Even if we know that we have an ambivalent attachment style, we should still honor and dignify our feelings. In most cases we are feeling some thing real, even if we are exaggerating or misinterpreting it."

To that end, he says, the task is still the same: "To understand, with compassion and care, why we are feeling the way we feel, to give that feeling space and understanding, and to be able to communicate with our partner to work things through."

As you work to uncover the conditioning that's lead to your ambivalent attachment style, it can also be valuable to work with an individual or couples therapist. There are also a number of attachment books and online resources for improving attachment styles—like our guide to developing a secure attachment style.

The bottom line is, our attachment styles are heavily determined by our earliest experiences with caregivers—for better or worse. The good news is, if you're struggling with an ambivalent attachment style, you can reach a place of security with some conscious introspection, and a willingness to approach relationships differently.

And remember, as Page tells mbg, "On some level, ambivalent attachment is part of the human condition. Love gets taken from us. People die. Relationships end or change. Betrayals can happen. All of these experiences can trigger the deepest human pain—and so it makes perfect sense that we would be afraid to commit fully, to love deeply, to surrender, compromise, and share our deepest vulnerability."

TL;DR? Give yourself some grace as you learn to unlearn these mental patterns.