I’m a psychologist who studies couples—if you say 'yes' to these 4 questions, your relationship is stronger than most
Psychologist Mark Travers has spent most of his career studying what makes marriages successful. If you answer “yes” to each of these questions, he says, there’s no doubt that your relationship will stand the test of time.
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Low points are inevitable in any relationship; no two people can see eye to eye all the time. But when push comes to shove, how do you know if your relationship has the foundation to endure?
As a psychologist who studies relationships, I’ve come to learn that thriving relationships often share some key traits.
Here are four simple questions that can determine longevity of your connection. If your answers are all “yes,” you’re likely on solid ground.
1. If you weren't a couple, would you still be close friends?
Every healthy relationship should be grounded upon a foundation of friendship. Imagine your partner as just a friend: Would you still want to spend time with them, laugh with them and turn to them for support?
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Couples who say “yes” to this understand that relationships require a lot more than just passion and commitment. Studies even show that if like your partner as a person, your bond will be much harder to break.
On the other hand, some couples stay together out of habit, fear of starting over or because they feel they've already invested too much in the relationship to let it go. This is what keeps people in unhappy relationships for years.
2. Do you like who you are when you're around your partner?
Your life partner should bring out the best in you. Does having them in your life make you feel supported, loved and inspired to grow? Or do you feel stifled, diminished and drained?
Truly great relationships often reflect what’s called the “Michelangelo effect.” Just like the artist shaped raw stone into breathtaking sculptures, healthy partners will “sculpt” each other into better versions of themselves. They encourage your goals, cheer on your successes and remind you of your worth even on hard days.
Unhealthy relationships can have the opposite effect. If being around your partner makes you feel small, criticized or unsure of yourself, it’s worth reflecting on why. The way you feel when you’re around your partner is often one of the biggest clues about how healthy your relationship is.
3. If you knew that your partner will never change, would you still want to be with them?
No one is perfect, but ignoring flaws isn’t really what love is about. Rather, we all have to learn that those imperfections aren’t what define your partner, nor your relationship. Couples in healthy relationships don’t rely on fantasies of how the other person could change — they focus on loving each other as they are presently.
This doesn’t mean you should tolerate toxic behavior. But it does mean accepting the small fumbles and imperfections that make your partner human, like forgetting to pick up their socks once in a while or telling the same joke over and over.
If you can genuinely say you’d choose your partner if they stayed exactly as they are, warts and all, then you’ve likely built a relationship that can stand the test of time.
4. When you have good news, is your partner the first person you want to tell?
One of the clearest signs of a strong relationship is that your partner isn't just there for the hard times — they're also your go-to person for sharing your wins. When you get exciting news, do you instinctively reach for your phone to call them? Do you look forward to celebrating your successes together?
Psychologists call this "capitalization," and research shows that couples who actively share and celebrate each other's good news tend to have stronger, happier relationships. It builds a sense of partnership and camaraderie — one that reinforces that your joys are their joys, too.
Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.
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