I’m Not Here to Be a Vessel for Fear

Whether this election result was what you wanted or didn’t want, or decided not to participate in, beneath the ups and downs of this moment, there’s something under the surface that isn’t affected by the waves. Now, that wasn’t how I felt at 3:45 a.m. when I got up to pee and looked anxiously at my phone for more election results. And subsequently had a very hard time falling back asleep, with a heavy and anxious heart, worried for all those who are most vulnerable, and will now be more so. Not just the many humans, but all the many ‘more than human beings’ who will now be less protected and more in danger, along with the waters, the air, and any semblance of a survivable future. 

But there was a moment lying there in which my clenched stomach relaxed, I felt my breath, and I experienced real peace. I wasn’t trying to make my painful feelings go away, I was just aware of them and somehow, for a short moment, I tapped into something that was truer and more essential than the agitation and “Now what?” loops. I simply felt I was OK right in that moment and knew I didn’t have to keep feeding those loops. 

“It’s important to notice and make space for whatever is arising for you in this moment, to take time to be present for yourself and your feelings, to turn towards them rather than away.”

A few weeks ago, I traveled across the country to be with my mother as she fell and ended up fracturing a neck vertebrae. She had to have surgery and is now recovering in a rehabilitation facility. The first day or two after I arrived, I was so focused on trying to wrap my mind around this new and scary situation, and how to help her and process all that the doctors and nurses were telling us, that I didn’t have space to feel what was happening deeper down. When I got a chance to talk to my therapist and pause, I was able to cry — to mourn and feel the resistance, “This shouldn’t even have happened!” I connected with the part of me that felt bad, guilty even, that both my divorced elderly parents lived alone, and while other family and dear friends live near them, that I couldn’t always be there to stop things like this happening to them. I made space for the helplessness. I surrendered to what was. 

This turning toward my own difficult emotions freed up energy internally. I was able to be more present for my mom as soon as I was more present for myself. I was able to show up fully for the spiritual mentoring Zoom calls I offered from the peaceful hospital waiting room. I went for a walk and was uplifted by the beauty of colorful autumn leaves and a gorgeous sunset over the Rocky Mountains. I ate a good meal. The whole delicate situation was more workable.

It’s important to notice and make space for whatever is arising for you in this moment, to take time to be present for yourself and your feelings, to turn towards them rather than away. Peace, or steadiness, or perseverance, or strength may be waiting right there, beneath all that feels to be just the opposite. 

These qualities are so important in this time of intense political polarization. A 2020 study on the extent of dehumanization in politics found that both Democrats and Republicans saw their opponents as 20-30 points below fully human on a scale of 0-100. The beautiful thing about the study is that it revealed that each group overestimated how much the other group dehumanized them by two to one. So both party affiliations guessed the other rated them as roughly 60 points below fully human. When they were presented with this miscalculation, they tended to dehumanize the other group less, knowing the other group didn’t think quite so poorly of them. This had a positive effect on their thoughts and actions at least a week later. 

I have been researching what can help my mother’s fracture to heal and learned that the comfrey plant was once called ‘knit-bone’ because of its capacity to heal wounds and knit bones back together. When I think of how fractured our society is, I want to learn from the comfrey plant. How can I be a bone knitter? How can I be a force for healing, for good, in our country? One way is by not assuming I know exactly what my “opponents” or the other side thinks of me. And to see how I am also playing a part in the fracturing by how I judge and project onto others. As a citizen of this nation at this moment in time, I can say yes to rehumanization, and not reinforce polarization. I can say, “I’m not here to be a vessel for fear” — not for my mother’s delicate health situation, nor regarding the division in our country. That’s not what I’m here to do. I heard once that “Each moment of mindfulness is a moment that prevents violence.” Mindfulness is what is needed now more than ever. Mindfully listening to ourselves and others, to do our best to deeply understand each other. 

“How can I be a force for healing, for good, in our country?”

While driving to the rehab facility a few days ago, I heard a story on public radio about how couples and family members across the political divide were finding common ground in the Tangle newsletter by Isaac Saul, an “independent, nonpartisan, subscriber-supported politics newsletter that summarizes the best arguments from across the political spectrum on the news of the day.” I learned of a right-leaning husband and left-leaning wife, who were fighting intensely over politics from their respective news silos and unable to even listen to the other side’s point of view to the extent that it was seriously affecting their marriage. They found the Tangle newsletter and were able to actually read it and talk about it together because each newsletter takes one issue and summarizes the news about it from both the right and left and then the author offers his take. The couple spoke about how the unbiased and independent reporting inspired their trust and presented the facts in a way that they could finally be in respectful dialogue with each other about what really mattered to them. 

May we all find our unique ways to be bone knitters to heal our fractured country. May we protect and care for those that are the most vulnerable in our communities. May we come together in small groups of trusted friends to take action on behalf of our own and the collective healing and well-being.