My #1 Dating Rule

Ever since I started dating after my divorce, friends and readers have asked a bunch of fun questions. Like, what do you wear on first dates?” (This shirt, almost always.) Or, how long do you wait to sleep with people? (A while.) And a reader named Malena recently asked: “Do you have an intention for dating? Is it ‘Let’s see what’s out there’ or ‘I’m looking for my next husband’?”

Such a good question! And I have an answer! (I’m also curious, if you’re single, to hear yours.)

When I first began dating this past spring, my friend Andy encouraged me, “Go date different guys and have fun!” I quickly found, however, that while dating multiple people can be exciting, it may be more of a “good for her, not for me” situation. What I’m looking for, I realized, is a long-term partner. I’ve dated four guys since February, each lovely in their own way, and I love that feeling of getting to know someone and their breakfast habits and kissing style and funny quirks, and developing inside jokes and a shared language, for however long it lasts.

In the past, I’ve loved being in relationships, and for a long time, I loved being married. Remember this reader comment? “My husband and I lay in bed a couple nights ago and laughed and laughed and laughed and I couldn’t even tell you what about,” wrote Lauren. “We looked absurd in our matching mouth guards and disgustingly old pajamas, and the next day he texted me, ‘I keep thinking about laughing with you last night.’” Gahhh! The sweetest. And this romantic poem makes my heart swell.

These days, when seeing someone, I try to keep my mom’s long-time advice in mind: in any conversation, try your best to say what you really mean, even if it’s embarrassing or scary or vulnerable. The surprising thing is that, no matter what you say, you will then come across as brave and relatable. There’s something inherently lovable and worthy of respect when someone expresses how they truly feel, don’t you think?

So, with any guy I’m dating, if we’re having a more serious talk, I’ll push myself to say what I really want, feel, worry about, etc. Because, after all, why even have a conversation if you don’t? Otherwise, you’re both just saying random things.

For example, one man I dated was pretty newly divorced. In our early texts, before going on our first date, here’s how we discussed it:

Me: Can I ask you a q?

Him: Absolutely.

Me: I know you are so early on in your split
Those early days are so intense
Just curious what your headspace is these days
Like, do you feel up for dating?
I would imagine you might be in the drinks-and-sex part of your journey
Which is fun and great and head-clearing, but I’m not really looking for just that

Him: That is a great and valid question.

We ended up seeing each other for a couple months, and it was really nice, and I was glad I was straightforward about my feelings. It’s not easy, but it feels worth it?

So! I’m curious: What are you looking for, if you’re single? What are you looking for, if you’re partnered? Do these things shift for you? I’d love to hear…

P.S. Five things that surprised me about my divorce, what it felt like to have sex for the first time after divorce, and my sister’s brilliant dating tip.

(Photos by Christine Han.)