This Relationship Habit Is Linked With Divorce — & It's Extremely Common

April 21, 2022 — 10:03 AM

Oftentimes, when someone wants to bring up a complaint to their partner, they start the conversation on the attack. John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., renowned relationship researchers and founders of The Gottman Institute, refer to this less-than-healthy method as a “harsh startup.”

“A harsh startup usually includes the word ‘you’ followed by an absolute term like ‘always’ or ‘never,’” licensed marriage therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, recently told mbg.

That might sound like:

“Another indicator that you are using a harsh startup is bringing topics up during a time that catches the other person off guard or using a threatening tone of voice,” Earnshaw adds.

While some people might think this harsh dialogue is to be expected when someone’s legitimately upset with their partner, there are actually long-term ramifications of this style of conflict: Gottman research found married couples who use these harsh startups are more likely to get divorced in the next six years than those who use gentler startups.

When you frame your complaint this way, it's harder for your partner to identify the ask because it's wrapped in an attack. That usually puts them on the defensive—“No, I don’t act that way,” or “I’m not always like that,” or even, “Well, how about when you do X?”

The conversation from there often gets heated and goes nowhere, fast.

“The first three minutes of a conversation are an indicator of how that conversation will end,” Earnshaw explains. “So, if a conversation starts gently, then it is more likely that the conversation will continue to move in a gentle and positive direction. Whereas if a conversation starts with harshness, it will likely end in the same way.”

So, if you actually want to see your issues get resolved and get your relationship back to a healthy place, harsh startups will only get in your way—no matter how upset you are with your partner or how much you really do feel like it’s their fault.

You can and should be assertive about stating your needs, Earnshaw says. But instead of starting a conversation harshly, learn how to use a gentle startup.

That means avoiding blaming, judging, belittling, or attacking your partner when you’re bringing up an issue. Instead, focus on simply explaining two things: how you feel and what you need.

This can be a tough switch to make at first, especially when you’re in the heat of the moment. It’ll likely take some practice.

It's helpful to remember that, no matter how much you feel your partner is at fault, your goal in bringing up the issue shouldn’t be to prove a point or to make your partner feel bad. The goal is to help them understand what’s bothering you and then to ask for something else. That means your partner needs to be your ally in this endeavor, not your enemy.

“We are all bound to start a conversation abruptly, critically, or with an unsettling tone from time to time,” Earnshaw notes. “Humans are not robots.”

The key is just to try to be gentler with how you start a tough conversation, more often than not. If you slip up, you can always apologize and start again.

Learning to be kind with your partner, even when you’re upset with them, is no easy task—but it’s necessary for productive conversations and for a relationship to remain healthy in the long run.