The Decision to Let our Teen Have a Smartphone

My son got his first smartphone for his 13th birthday recently.

My feelings on smartphones have always been a bit strong and negative. I have been known to say and think that smartphones are the scourge of the Earth.

Some of these feelings are valid. I strongly believe they distract us, they addict us, and they make us desire lives that aren’t real.

Add these downsides to a developing teenage brain and it could be a recipe to ruin childhood.

So why did we let him get one?

Well, it was not an easy decision, but it has been a couple years in the making.

Beginning in 4th grade he started to have a few friends with smartphones. It was easy for us to say no then—that seemed way too young to us.

Then in 5th grade the pull got stronger. More kids had them, so during that last year of grade school he was starting to feel left out. But we held firm and said no.

We did get him a Gabb phone in 5th grade to bridge the gap between “no phone” and “smartphone.” 

To me this phone was a perfect solution. It looks like a smartphone and it can call, text, take photos, and listen to Gabb Music. There is absolutely no internet access, no youtube, no social media. I never had to worry about what he did on this phone because he could really only call or text.

At first he thought it was an okay solution. But it turns out that pre-teens basically want to send youtube shorts to each other all day and he could not open any of the links.

So as 6th grade and middle school started, so did the pleas for a smartphone.

Our firm stance, based on countless books and research, was 14 years old at the earliest with no social media.

He did not like our firm stance, so August-December of last year was filled with constant tearful talks between my son and I.

I couldn’t understand why he didn’t see it my way. He couldn’t understand my hatred of phones and said I wasn’t listening.

Finally, Kevin stepped in and did the one thing I hadn’t done yet…listening with no rebuttal.

My son finally felt heard.

From that moment forward our conversations about phones became more productive.

Turns out, my son had researched “how to ask your parents for your first smartphone,” and his arguments shifted from “everyone has one” to actual uses for the phone.

He wanted to have the NBA app and follow the Phoenix Suns. He wanted to google facts and information (he loves trivia). He wanted to watch the silly clips his friends sent him. What he wanted to use it for was pretty innocent.

We were finally getting somewhere.

So when the New Year struck, we told him he could get a phone for his 13th birthday.

Here is how we decided to safe guard the phone and a few rules we have for him:

He had to buy the phone: He did extensive research to find a refurbished phone that was cheaper and used most of his savings to pay for it. This was important to us because we felt he needed to have some “skin in the game” or he might not take good care of the phone. 

Absolutely no social media

No phone usage for at least 30 minutes after waking up

Family Link app (through Google): We use this app for several things. He cannot download apps without our approval first. We set “wakeup” and “downtime” hours so his phone will only function during those times. We set screentime limits and once he reaches it the phone will no longer work. He can ask for more time if needed but he usually doesn’t hit the limit. And we set his account to PG13, so when he uses Google or watches Youtube the content cannot be explicit.

Phone contract must be followed: We created a cell phone contract that we all had to sign with additional agreed upon rules. This contract needs to be followed or the phone is taken away.

We did everything we could to safeguard the device before we gave it to him.

But as I handed him the box, my mama heart hurt a little. I knew what could happen over time. It felt like opening Pandora’s Box.

I wanted to snatch the box back out of his hands and say, “No!!!”

I also wanted him to know I trust him. He is mature, friendly, great student, kind, and an amazing brother and son. I had to let go a bit and trust.

Has it been perfect? No.

Moments I see his head in his phone, disengaged, still get me all riled up inside. I have to check my emotions often. I may have even yelled once to “Put that %$&#* phone away!” (Not my proudest moment but they all laugh at me now about it).

But overall it’s going better than I expected 3 months in.

And the phone has brought him joy. I have seen him engage more with friends because he can setup the hang out sessions instead of me. He feels more of that independence that teenagers crave.

While this decision to give him a smartphone was really difficult, we handled it the best we could. We did research, we put in safeguards, and Kevin and I worked as a team through all the tense discussions and decisions.

I am proud of us for waiting as long as we did. I am proud of us for including my son in the discussions and decision.

But most of all I am proud of my son for reminding me that sometimes, if I actually listen, he has great insights too. He is growing into an amazing young man.

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About the Author: Brittany is a wife and mother of two. Through having less and doing less she continually finds more. Find her at Lesslessmore.com