Feeling Lost In Life? 14 Ways To Start Finding Yourself Again, From Experts

Self-discovery — the art of finding oneself — is a critical element of both psychological and spiritual growth.

"Finding yourself improves your life's satisfaction," Mancao adds. "It helps you get in touch with your wants, needs, desires, and joys. Doing this helps us live in alignment with what is true for us.”

She notes that people sometimes live their lives based on a version of themselves they think others will like the most. “This can lead to increases in stress and anxiety because we are having to overcompensate and put on an 'act.' Also, others' opinions and needs of us are constantly shifting, which would mean that we would have to shape-shift our energy and personality based on each person; this is exhausting.”

Instead, when you know who you are, you can be grounded in your own sense of self and live from that place, which Mancao notes can feel very stabilizing and freeing. 

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Manly says one of the most common challenges on the journey of finding yourself is friction with family members or friends who become uncomfortable with the changes that often occur during the process.

For example, people-pleasing behaviors often diminish during the self-discovery process, and these shifts can be upsetting for those who are accustomed to the familiar doormat-style dynamics. "Over time, you might realize that some people in your life only exist because they benefited from your people-pleasing, and you start to see that these relationships might be more one-sided," says licensed mental health counselor Tracy Vadakumchery, LMHC.

Some people won’t like the new you, she adds, and that’s OK. “Part of finding yourself means getting comfortable with not being palatable for everyone. It also means seeing who does not have your best interests at heart,” she says. “Ultimately, as we change, the people around us may change too.”

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According to psychotherapist Beth Gulotta, LMHC, we are constantly sizing ourselves up to other people. It can cause confusion or lack of clarity on what we actually want and desire for ourselves. “We see someone else doing it—new job, cool vacation, marriage and kids—and we can be pulled into this idea that we need to do it too, even if we may not want any of those things. We get stuck in the ‘should’ or ‘have to’ narrative and get pulled away from an ‘I want to’ narrative.”

Gulotta says she often comes across clients who get stuck after being asked what they want because of all the “outside messaging telling us what we should want and who we should be, and it can be hard to drown out that noise.”

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When it comes to finding yourself, a great place to start is figuring out what your values are. “Your values are the things that are most important to you in life, such as honesty, compassion, or creativity,” licensed clinical social worker and sex therapist DuEwa “Kaya” Spicer, LCSW, CCATP, CST, explains to mbg. “Take some time to reflect on your values and identify the ones that resonate with you the most.”

When you know what your values are, she says, you can then start to think about how you can live in better alignment with those values and make choices that reflect what’s most important to you.

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It’s often said we should let go of the past in order to step into our future, but the past can actually be a useful guide to finding yourself. Licensed therapist Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, LMFT, suggests “thinking back to a time when life felt fun and simple. What activities did you do? Who did you surround yourself with? What triggered those easy feelings? Try to recreate a version of that time of your life. Note that it doesn't have to be a copy and paste version, but these questions are just a guideline.”

She also recommends reflecting on how you lost your connection in the first place. Where did it all go wrong? And how can you reverse the parts that went wrong? 

5.

Focusing on establishing trust within

Finding yourself is all about building inner trust, says Samuels. Unfortunately, if you have lived life based on the expectations of others, you likely have found no room to build trust within. But when we do trust ourselves, we are able to take chances and to step outside of our comfort zone with a greater sense of ease.

We are experts at diminishing who we are by looking in the past at mistakes, she adds, but one beautiful way to build trust within is to take time to list our wins. Where have we been successful? How have we shown up for ourselves?

Licensed mental health counselor Jessa White, MA, LMHCA, suggests trying to find other people that inspire you to help you figure out who you want to be. 

“The truth is, many of us turn out like our parents,” she tells mbg. “We subconsciously and consciously follow the path they lay. But finding yourself means figuring out what you align with, not what you were born into.”

Notice who inspires and excites you, she recommends, and observe which actions of theirs resonate with you. These could be real people in your life, but they can also be TV characters, media figures, or creators online. 

7.

Embracing your innate curiosity.

If you think about it, we are all born curious. That curiosity encourages us to go from crawling to walking, so we can explore the world around us. “Unfortunately, because we are given so many messages to ‘be careful’ as we move through life, we can slowly lose that connection to our innate curiosity as we opt to go the safe route(s),” says Samuels. “But when we reconnect to that innate curiosity, we are creating space to honor the things that excite us about life and that then allows us to connect deeply to the truth of who we are.” 

Embracing your curiosity can look like asking questions and making choices “from a place of true interest and gentleness,” she adds. “It means being open to the possibilities and being okay with the possibility that mistakes can and will happen along the way, but that doesn’t define who we are and what we are able to do or be.”

10.

Do the opposite of what your people-pleasing anxiety is telling you

Unlearning your people-pleasing instincts is a big part of finding yourself, because when you’re always focused on making sure everyone else is okay, you’re not focusing on yourself. 

“Take your people-pleasing anxiety on a case-by-case basis,” Vadakumchery recommends. “When you know your brain is just making up scenarios, do the opposite of what it's telling you to do. If it's saying, ‘Do the most for this person,’ without any reasons as to why, try doing less and see what happens. You might find that this person didn't notice any changes to your relationship and still appreciates you.”

(Here’s our full guide on how to focus on yourself.)

12.

Discover your creative flow

Psychologist Robyn McKay, Ph.D., describes “flow” as the consciousness state that’s associated with creativity. It’s when you lose track of time and become engaged and absorbed in an activity that’s challenging and fulfills your soul. 

“Writers find flow when they’re writing; musicians, when they’re composing or playing music; therapists, when they’re helping another person heal,” says McKay. “Knowing your flow is one of the best ways to find yourself because your flow provides clues to your purpose in life, what you’re meant to be contributing to make the world a better place.”

It does take time to get comfortable with the self-discovery process. Instead of focusing on the outcome, Mancao suggests shifting your focus. 

“Shift your attention to the journey and nuggets of wisdom that you are finding along the way. This is all part of the process,” she says. “Resisting it or shaming yourself for not having things a certain way can prolong it, so give yourself grace through it all. We are all doing this thing called life for the first time.”

The journey of finding yourself is something that most people will tackle at some point in their lives. It’s not something you check off your to-do list and move on with your day. Finding yourself is often a life-long process, and as we grow and change, there will be new things to learn and discover about ourselves.

“Keep trying new things, challenging unhelpful and hurtful narratives, and keep going,” says Mancao. “Cultivate a sense of curiosity that if something doesn't work, then maybe the next thing might, and keep going with this train of thought. It is all a process of learning and re- learning, so instead of focusing on a timeline — focus on what's working and not working, and just keep building on that knowledge.”