How To Spot (& Respond To) 5 Super-Common Manipulation Tactics

Whether you're a people pleaser, sensitive soul, empath, or just a big-hearted person, you probably care a lot about your connections with those you care about—but not everyone has your best interest at heart, and empaths are often susceptible to being used by others.

If you find yourself feeling resentful in connections because you're often the one giving more of your time, money, or energy, or they leave you feeling drained or unheard, you could be involved with a manipulative and toxic person.

After overcoming and healing from decades of emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships, I sought out answers through therapy, inner child healing work with shamans, daily meditation, and journaling.

As a trauma-informed empowerment coach and author of several books on the psychology of happiness, I now make it a priority to support people through their own healing journey by identifying the toxic behaviors of people in their lives and finding powerful ways to reclaim their personal autonomy.

Here are common patterns of abusive people and what they sound like, plus how to respond in a healthy manner: 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological and emotional abuse in which a person causes someone else to question their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality. It is a method of gaining control over someone else.

It works by breaking down a person's trust in themselves while increasing how much they trust or depend on the abusive or controlling person.

Gaslighting sounds like:

Healthy response:

Blame-shifting, or "deflection," is a tactic used by manipulative people to remove any attention and relevant discussion from themselves and place it on the other.

It's used to make you doubt whether your feelings are valid and blames you for causing a problem, freeing the blame-shifter of self-responsibility and helping them maintain the control they want.

Deflecting sounds like:

Healthy response:

"Your effort to blame me for the same concerns I am sharing with you about your behavior is manipulative. I am not playing this game with you, and I refuse to be disrespected."

Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person brings a third person into their relationship in order to remain in control. The goal is to divide and conquer or play people against each other.

There will be limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the manipulator. 

Triangulation sounds like:

Healthy response:

The victim role is a way to shift the blame onto others. By portraying themselves as innocent and helpless, toxic people, narcissists, and manipulators are able to garner sympathy and support from others while deflecting responsibility for their own actions.

Playing the victim looks like:

Healthy response:

Crocodile tears can be used for superficial sympathy, and/or a false, insincere display of emotion. They are tears that are fake or are meant to deceive.

You can tell when they are crocodile tears because it feels like a show or an act—the tears are disingenuous and often come on very quickly and end even faster. 

Crocodile tears could look like:

Healthy response:

How to protect your peace

Prioritize your own peace by realizing your worth and knowing that you deserve better with these steps.

The takeaway

We cannot control the way others treat us, but we can control how we respond and move forward.

By knowing how to spot (and respond to) manipulative behavior, you'll be better equipped to protect your own peace and guard yourself against toxic people who do not have your best interests at heart.